Thank you everyone!  Lots of good stuff here!!  In many ways, I really do feel like I opened up a can of worms.  Problem is, originally I *was* satisfied with only this:  birthday parties being limited to one day a month and my daughter bringing in her own snack on those days.  It was for these reasons:  (1) school had no food allergy policy in place when I arrived, and having had such bad experiences with other prospective schools wanting to make NO accommodations, I figured I was lucky to even get that  (2) I was the room mom, so in charge of ALL classroom celebrations ... and we only had 2/yr, as I came up with other ideas to substitute and (3) being different did not seem to bother my daughter; to the contrary, she liked what she brought in better than what was being served.  HOWEVER ... that all changed this year when the teacher announced (last minute) that instead of celebrating the only September birthday on its designated day, we would be celebrating all of the summer birthdays as well (never mind that we had already celebrated them at the end of last year!)  So now all of a sudden there are 3 moms bringing in food items, and far more of a "festive" celebration than I felt comfortable with.  Not to mention the girls are getting quite catty already at the tender age of 8 (there are only 7 in the class anyway, which amplifies the need for my daughter to fit in), and I think the being different thing is starting to bother my daughter.  I even asked her to ask her "best friend" if she would like me  to make a cupcake for her, so the two of them could have the same thing, and my daughter told me that she shrugged it off.  And this is her friend!  Sure, she wants what everyone else is having ... understandably.  The icing on the cake (pun intended! ) was when one of the moms contacted me and said how they wanted to make sure that my daughter was included and what prepackaged treat could they get her that was safe.  You know, the whole separate AND not at all equal scenario?  Even my daughter pointed out that if they had REALLY wanted to include her, they would have served something that everyone could eat or, gasp, do something non-food related.  So, already she picks up on the hypocrisy ... how sad!!  And that is when I went and spoke with the principal ...

I am not worried about classroom celebrations ... I will be on hand for each and every one and will eyeball to make sure everything is safe and serve her myself.  The birthday parties I am more concerned with, but there are not that many, thankfully (only a half dozen more) and I feel if I give a specific enough list and ask that there be no deviations, I imagine it will work.  However, I am with you, lakeswimr ... safety first and inclusion second ... and I have NEVER allowed anyone to give my child something that I have not looked over myself first.  The only remedy I can think is that I can be present for the birthday parties as well, since there are not that many?  Maybe for the first few anyway??  I am at campus several times a day (we live 5 minutes away and I have a little one that attends half days there), so the kids are used to seeing me around A LOT.

Anyway, thanks everyone!  If anyone has any more suggestions for safe treats, it would be really helpful.  We eat 100% organic in this house, so I have very little idea of which conventional store brands are safe.  I sure wish the school would buck it up and go food free (they have in my younger daughter's preschool class, so I am not sure why that could not carry this over to K-8?)  I am thinking long term here, and seriously considering a move to the original school we were thinking about sending our daughter to (peanut/tree nut free and food free everything), but unfortunately that would require an out of state move for us.  May just be worth it, though ... the amount of time/worry I spend on this is simply ridiculous!!  Thanks everyone ...

yellow--love this  'The restrictive food list worked for us. I also kept repeating to teachers and the principal that I will not negotiate food with parents and that if they want food in their classroom, it was their job to negotiate it. PERIOD. I didn't bend on this. They did.'

What is your priority?  when you gave up being room mom you gave up control of the food situation.  I would not trust others to label read, particularly when you are dealing with a non-top 8 food that doesn't have to even be listed on labels.  You know things can change any time.  How do you see the party situation working?  I worry so much about people cross contaminating safe foods with allergenic foods.  Even if you get all allergy-free foods, people can come in with hands that aren't clean, just ate trail mix in the car, etc and touch safe foods.  If other mothers/parents/guardians are there and don't all take proper precautions your safe food is no longer safe.  And if you can't be there I would be even more worried.  There have been cases where labels were checked but something gets served last minute and the FA child has ana.  If you can figure out a way to do this safely and work with this other mother, great.  If not, I'd recommend sending safe foods or having a system where the teacher has your child get her food first from unopened bags (that your child opens herself) before others eat (and that you have label read and put some type of mark on so your child knows they are OK.)

I'm so sorry you are dealing with a parent who puts her desire to be in charge of food over your child's safety.  BTDT and it really frustrates and confounds me.  How can anyone be selfish to that level.  These same people would not for a second put of with THEIR child being left out of class parties. 

Still, I put safety as #1 and inclusion as #2 and I do not think they can always both happen, particularly when you have other people handling food.

If you can get an 'all prepackaged food' deal with the school (no homemade things) that would be GREAT and a good start to safety. 

So, it sounds like what the school wants to do -- and wants to COMPEL you to do -- is to accommodate the food use/abuse . . . and compromise your child's safety as a result?

I think I'd lay out for the school ALL the reasons why this is NOT the safe solution . . . why they need to NOT put the foodies' wants over your child's potentially life-saving needs.

I'd not agree until I'd plead my case for truly safe situation -- which is NOT "safe snack list".

Sounds like teacher is also married to food use as part of classroom life.

And teacher is going to need to be educated.

Help teacher see his/her liability if feeds ANY child and then a reaction happens.

You're going to have to do some soul searching to figure out how to hard you're willing to press . . . but know that if you give this year, you'll have even harder challenges next year.  Just my opinion and experiences over many years.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  Stay strong -- politely and calmly.

They are wrong.

MY  Dh and I got "ambushed" at a school meeting once....the school brought in the district nurse and her agenda was to get us to agree to safe snack lists.

So I did.  Just not for my child.  I told them that they can have a safe snack list and implement anything that they want UP until the point that food is brought into my childs classroom or fed to my child.   

So...if something was purchased off the "safe snack list" (which we know is a flawed idea b/c people make substitutions and manufacturers change policies) that's fine...but then my DH or I still have to approve it for DS.   It helped that in one of our policy books there is a phrase that says that "teachers shall not determine if a food is safe".

In the end YOU have to approve any food that is given to your child or served to the class.    Do you have a "peanut safe room" - that helps for the second part of the argument.

Love it, yelloww, THANKS!  Great tips!!  I feel exactly the same way ... that I don't wan't to negotiate or be gatekeeper ... and you just drove the point home of what I need to focus on.  You are not going to believe this, but just this past week her teacher stopped me in the hallway and said, "We have a birthday coming up this week, so I wanted to know if DAUGHTER was going to bring in her own cupcake?"  I'm like, whah?  You were in on the meeting ... this will not be happening anymore.  So, that is when she asked me for the safe snack list ... it was almost as if she were testing me to see if I was going to hold her to the task.  Yes, I am, because I do not want to have to deal with this anymore, have pretty much given up all responsibility of the class parties, and it is up to YOU, TEACHER, to follow school policy.  That is also why I have to reinforce the idea of non-food items for BD celebrations to her as well ... because if I don't, she would never think to stress this to the parents herself.  It's just too outside the box for this type of teacher (you know, the type that would propose to the mom of a peanut allergic child a field trip to chick fil a and a potluck celebration for christmas!  )  And you are absolutely right ... the kids do not care, it is the parents.  For the past two years in this class we have had cheese, goldfish crackers, and fresh fruit (no dessert) and juice for all school parties (I know, since I planned them all), and never once did I hear a complaint amongst the kids.  Thanks again for your input!

I had a snack list- it was the same list we used for baseball. The teacher had the list and the room mom had to get approval for all of it from the teacher. I was adamant that the teacher was the gatekeeper for the list as I had told the school that I was NOT negotiating food with other parents and that they would not put me in that position of doing so.

Anyway, our class parties ended up having the same few things, but the kids didn't care. It was usually pretzels, a fresh fruit platter bought at the grocery store (not cut up fruit from home), Oreos (and only original Oreos, not store brand or fun flavors), and jello.

No surprise treats/cupcakes were delivered to the classroom. They went to the front office and were usually sent home unless they were on my list. My ds was a trailblazer there. Now they have lots of kids with allergies and all parties and classrooms are food free. It was just too much work for the staff. I just happened to be the first one to start to squelch it.

The restrictive food list worked for us. I also kept repeating to teachers and the principal that I will not negotiate food with parents and that if they want food in their classroom, it was their job to negotiate it. PERIOD. I didn't bend on this. They did.

HI, Everyone ... Wow, busy year already.  I  have been the room mom in my daughter's class for the last two years (kindergarten/1st) and this year one mom got rather upset and wanted the job to herself.  Wow, that was news to me, since no one had EVER expressed interest in this.  I gladly gave it up ... it is a TON of work ... because really the only reason I was doing it was to have some kind of control over the classroom food situation and now that we have been there two years the teachers know the drill.  Well, I think I was a little too optimistic ... the new class mom is nightmare so far, and the teacher has already informed me that she (teacher) plans a "potluck" christmas party every year!

Foreseeing that this was not going to be an easy year, I went to the principal and suggested the possibility of food free celebrations.  While she wouldn't go so far in requiring they be food free, she did not hesitate to say that everything served must be safe for FA kids.  This is somewhat of a victory in that after two years we are finally free of the responsibility of "bringing our own cupcake," however, I have a fear of safe snack lists as well, both in their safety, and the backlash that may (or may not) result from this.

Does anyone have any experience with this?  The school also sent out a memo to the room moms reiterating some ideas for NON FOOD birthday celebrations (which the room mom has YET to distribute to our class, even though it has been well over a week she has had this info), so I will of course include this on my list for the teacher.  Does anyone have any suggestions for birthday celebration type snacks that have worked in the past for their class?  We are dealing with peanut/sesame allergies.  Thanks!!!!!