I worry that this is a situation where mistakes could happen.  What you describe is similar to what i have experienced.  In my case what I found was lots of ways foods could get xcontamed.  Other parents come in to be at the party.  THey don't want or wipe hands unless you ask them to do so.  If you are not there BEFORE all of them they are already touching things that will be used at the party and maybe they just ate trail mix or whatever in the car!  They might bring in some things that are wrong or are not on the list or are homemade and touch those things and then touch napkins or 'safe' food and xcontam everything.  It can be a minefield. 

I like inclusion but not at the expense of safety.  I like that you are going to be there. I'd be ready with some back up stuff that stays in your bag and comes out in case everything else gets xcontamed. 

I'd go over their heads to try to make changes before the next event.  Homemade isn't going to be safe and you don't want to negotiate that with them.

There are at least 2-3 parties in recent years where things got served accidentally and children had serious reactions.  One child was on life support for days.  His heart stopped beating.  Thankfully he lived.  Even though his mother checked all food ahead of time an allergen got accidentally served.  There were other cases like that.  When people who don't understand food allergies are present and passing out and handling food at food events it increases risk.  If you can't be there in the future at one of these I would not mess around with inclusion and worrying about eating the same food because I woudln't trust them to not accidentally make a mistake (I make mistakes sometimes so I think the chances of someone who doesn't know about food allergies to make an occasional mistake is VERY high). I'd just send all my child's food.  If you can always be there, great.

I'd get there early, ask others to wash hands, label read and have zip locs or other containers to quickly open unopened bags and pour food for MY child into ahead of them touching everything.  Once the unsafe food comes out anything and everything can get xcolntamed.  And once children start reaching into like bowls everything can get xcontamed if their hands are not clean from breakfast, snack, lunch.

Quote from: twinturbo on October 20, 2013, 09:43:14 AM
Not to pick a fight but at that point it becomes extortion, and it is an economic privilege to both have enough disposable income to provide all food at all functions for everyone, and to have enough leisure time to manage it all. Anticipating that none of us here really are rich (self-included) and stay at home doesn't mean we have days full of zumba classes, lattes and getting our nails done (SAHM here w/dev disabled younger child w/multiple LTFA who can't find a program to take said child for development and therapy purposes) it turns into a full-time catering job taxed out of the family food budget which is not the expected limited function of room mom as I understand it.

I understand doing it or else the kid gets it prisoner's dilemma but even putting aside FAPE how many can do that and for how long?

I didn't say it was an ideal solution but if the school isn't going to outright ban parties nor provide safe alternatives, don't you think buying a few bags of safe chips over fighting with the school may be a better option?  Typically (and this is speaking for this part of the country so I get things may be different elsewhere) but after elementary school parties aren't an issue. So 6 years is about how long i would expect this to be an issue for most parents.  Also, "allergy parent" bringing the food doesn't mean allergy parent has to pay for it. There are a lot of other solutions that could be made (a class donation to cover the cost if it's that big a deal or something else). 

The school has to protect the kid. I need to work with these other parents for the duration of my kids school career so alienating them over party food seems like a bad idea. If that means I need to buy treats for the class 3x a year to keep the peace (if the school isn't going to step in a do it's job) then I think most of us would.

Good luck!

Thanks everyone for your replies. I had it added to his 504 that I must be at all parties regardless of what the PTA says and apparently that didn't go over very well with them.

Hopefully tomorrow goes well.

Quote from: yelloww on October 18, 2013, 05:01:59 PM
I've posted it before and it doesn't work for everyone, but I made a list of things that families could bring in and gave it to the teacher. The teacher did pass the list along to the room mom, but with the understanding that the teacher was the gatekeeper and that the room mom was NOT to contact me directly, and NOT to diverge from the list. Teacher had a copy, room mom had a copy, NURSE had a copy, and a copy was in the sub folder/504 folder.

The foods on the list were all prepackaged- down to specific brands of items like "regular Oreos only- not store brand".

There were 15-20 things on the list and parents chose from those things. But we had dairy and egg allergies to deal with, not just pn.

The teacher also sent out reminders to all families that Valentine's day cards could not have candy attached to them.

We also had a set plan for if/when someone accidentally brought in something. Like cupcakes on the SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL. That one didn't go over well.  But the plan for that was that the cupcakes were stored in the front office and distributed during lunch. Eventually it got to where there were too many allergy kids and they banned birthday celebrations entirely under the healthy wellness programs.

Typically, a class party involved a fruit tray from the grocery store (not cut up fruit from home), pretzels, oreos, water or juice, and some sort of arts and crafts activity that doesn't involve food. Chips and salsa were also on our list.

If your school actually still permits children to have candy  then put down two types of candy. Simple things like Twizzlers and some other non allergic common candy (Air Heads?).

Don't give them more than 15 things to choose from and be VERY VERY specific with the choices. Figure out what brands you are always ok with your child eating. This all depends on your comfort zone though. That's where it doesn't work for everyone. I'm ok with my ds having any store brand pretzels. That opened up a lot of choices for parents who simply didn't know where to start when bringing in a treat in the first place.

In your situation, the list may be the best way to go. Then at least it will remove you from having to deal with this mom all year, and years in the future too. Room mom looks at the list and the teacher enforces it. Then, if that doesn't happen, you can go to the principal and say "we had this system in place and it failed on this date and for this reason, I need this added to the 504 so that it works in the future".

For what it's worth, I was NEVER a room mom. I worked full time an hour away from school. I gave them the tools they needed and then made them figure it out from there.

I maybe went to one party a year. I also pulled ds from school on Halloween and told the teacher that I expected the classroom to still be pn free even in his absence.

I would get emails from the room mom trying to figure out how to modify certain arts and crafts, but it was never confrontational, just a problem solving thing. I will say that I usually had very understanding and inclusive room moms too. I was lucky, but I also set things up in a way where the one year I didn't have that sort of room mom, she still had to follow the rules and I didn't have to deal with her.

I always had the emails go to the teacher and have the teacher pass the emails on to me. At times the teacher had to veto things so it helped having he or she as the intermediary.

Hope that helps.  Remember, you are in a relationship with the TEACHER and the SCHOOL for your child's education. You are not at the whim or mercy of some room parent for your child's education and you have a choice as to whether or not you want to have any relationship with that person. The triangual relationship is YOU, YOUR CHILD, and the TEACHER/SCHOOL. Not you, your child, and a random outsider.

Good luck!

Thank you to everyone who has responded.  I emailed the school last week and told them I was worried and wanted to make changes to the 504.  I have a meeting with them tomorrow and I want to be prepared. 

I will try the list of prepackaged.  Everything she has requested from moms so far is home made stuff (a few of them have called me to ask what is ok and what they should do) so the idea of making it all prepackaged makes me feel a little better. Unfortunately they do allow candy and I have no way of knowing what she requested and that is a major concern.    This has been very helpful.  Thanks!

Quote from: yelloww on October 18, 2013, 01:36:12 PM
There shouldn't be anything in the classroom that the child is allergic to. PERIOD.

The teacher needs to get control of the room mom. As a teacher myself, it is NOT the room mom's classroom.

Is this a private school? How can they get away with all of that sugary stuff anyway with all of the national healthy wellness funding?

Look into the district's wellness policy. Do they have one? Is this food in line with that?

Start there. That policy- if it exists- should give you a lot of leverage.

If they are doing this out of spite and you feel that your family is being targeted, that's another issue entirely and it isn't legal.

The teacher needs to filter and approve everything no matter what the room mom may think.

This is a public school.  I haven't talked to the teach yet, but I emailed her and I have a meeting with them tomorrow after school. 

Quote from: MomTo3 on October 18, 2013, 08:12:25 PM
So does not being the room Mom preclude you from providing the food for the party?  That would seem like the safest option to me.  Our 504 says I'm room Mom (with the option for a co-room parent).  No unapproved food in the class for parties. Lat year I provided all food for the parties.  This year, as part of the health and wellness committee the PTA is purchasing all the snacks for all the parties for all the kids with all the allergies in mind.

No, I should be able to provide food and I unfortunately I expected her to include me bringing in food because we were always friendly and I've always included her in years past but instead she assigned napkins for me to bring into the party and that's made me mad now! Unfortunately, I made the mistake of thinking we were all adults - the PTA is a clique of about 6 moms.  They purposely excluded moms from being head room moms that they didn't like last year (and one of the reasons I quit this year - it's either their way or no way) and when I quit and disagreed with what they we're doing, it's come down to this.  I'm afraid they may purposely serve snacks food that he can't have to "exclude" him.  I know that sounds immature but from what they've asked other moms to bring in so far it seems I may be right.

And that's a big part of why I gave them the tools and knowledge they needed and left it at that. It isn't my job to fund class parties. It is their job to keep my kiddo safe during class parties.

Nowhere does it say in our 504 that I must provide separate but equal, or enough for everyone.

They figured it out, and most of the time there were too many people offering to bring in stuff for events that even when I wanted to, they were all set already. Like once a year I sent in stuff for parties.

I took the stance that TT referred to because my town has a HUGE income disparity. My street with 9 houses on it is middle class. There are very few other pockets like that here. Otherwise, it is the "haves" and the "have nots".

The "haves" are to the point of excess, and the "have nots" to the point of extreme poverty in the migrant population.

We have people here in houses with 3-4 garages, and large families w/ extended families crammed into small apartments. A 2br apartment will have 5-8 people in it. And their apartment is likely the size of two of the garage bays at the "haves"  homes.

There was going to be some kid behind ds who is living in poverty who with FA's and I didn't want a bad precedent with the teachers and school for that person by supplying everything for them. And frankly, I can think of better things to spend $$ on than a class party. 

Not to pick a fight but at that point it becomes extortion, and it is an economic privilege to both have enough disposable income to provide all food at all functions for everyone, and to have enough leisure time to manage it all. Anticipating that none of us here really are rich (self-included) and stay at home doesn't mean we have days full of zumba classes, lattes and getting our nails done (SAHM here w/dev disabled younger child w/multiple LTFA who can't find a program to take said child for development and therapy purposes) it turns into a full-time catering job taxed out of the family food budget which is not the expected limited function of room mom as I understand it.

I understand doing it or else the kid gets it prisoner's dilemma but even putting aside FAPE how many can do that and for how long?

So does not being the room Mom preclude you from providing the food for the party?  That would seem like the safest option to me.  Our 504 says I'm room Mom (with the option for a co-room parent).  No unapproved food in the class for parties. Lat year I provided all food for the parties.  This year, as part of the health and wellness committee the PTA is purchasing all the snacks for all the parties for all the kids with all the allergies in mind.

I've posted it before and it doesn't work for everyone, but I made a list of things that families could bring in and gave it to the teacher. The teacher did pass the list along to the room mom, but with the understanding that the teacher was the gatekeeper and that the room mom was NOT to contact me directly, and NOT to diverge from the list. Teacher had a copy, room mom had a copy, NURSE had a copy, and a copy was in the sub folder/504 folder.

The foods on the list were all prepackaged- down to specific brands of items like "regular Oreos only- not store brand".

There were 15-20 things on the list and parents chose from those things. But we had dairy and egg allergies to deal with, not just pn.

The teacher also sent out reminders to all families that Valentine's day cards could not have candy attached to them.

We also had a set plan for if/when someone accidentally brought in something. Like cupcakes on the SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL. That one didn't go over well.  But the plan for that was that the cupcakes were stored in the front office and distributed during lunch. Eventually it got to where there were too many allergy kids and they banned birthday celebrations entirely under the healthy wellness programs.

Typically, a class party involved a fruit tray from the grocery store (not cut up fruit from home), pretzels, oreos, water or juice, and some sort of arts and crafts activity that doesn't involve food. Chips and salsa were also on our list.

If your school actually still permits children to have candy  then put down two types of candy. Simple things like Twizzlers and some other non allergic common candy (Air Heads?).

Don't give them more than 15 things to choose from and be VERY VERY specific with the choices. Figure out what brands you are always ok with your child eating. This all depends on your comfort zone though. That's where it doesn't work for everyone. I'm ok with my ds having any store brand pretzels. That opened up a lot of choices for parents who simply didn't know where to start when bringing in a treat in the first place.

In your situation, the list may be the best way to go. Then at least it will remove you from having to deal with this mom all year, and years in the future too. Room mom looks at the list and the teacher enforces it. Then, if that doesn't happen, you can go to the principal and say "we had this system in place and it failed on this date and for this reason, I need this added to the 504 so that it works in the future".

For what it's worth, I was NEVER a room mom. I worked full time an hour away from school. I gave them the tools they needed and then made them figure it out from there.

I maybe went to one party a year. I also pulled ds from school on Halloween and told the teacher that I expected the classroom to still be pn free even in his absence.

I would get emails from the room mom trying to figure out how to modify certain arts and crafts, but it was never confrontational, just a problem solving thing. I will say that I usually had very understanding and inclusive room moms too. I was lucky, but I also set things up in a way where the one year I didn't have that sort of room mom, she still had to follow the rules and I didn't have to deal with her.

I always had the emails go to the teacher and have the teacher pass the emails on to me. At times the teacher had to veto things so it helped having he or she as the intermediary.

Hope that helps.  Remember, you are in a relationship with the TEACHER and the SCHOOL for your child's education. You are not at the whim or mercy of some room parent for your child's education and you have a choice as to whether or not you want to have any relationship with that person. The triangual relationship is YOU, YOUR CHILD, and the TEACHER/SCHOOL. Not you, your child, and a random outsider.

Good luck!

I'm glad you can be there because otherwise the situation you describe would be very unsafe if you are going to let your child eat any of the food.

What you can do is get added to the plan things that make it possible for them to follow your plan.  If the room is peanut free that means no homemade treats from any home but yours, right?  There should only be pre-packaged foods with labels sent in and you should have time to check all food.  Any food sent in that has peanuts or may contain should not be served.  If you wait to the day of this will cause a problem so I"d talk to those in charge --nurse, principal, teacher asap.  You should not have to negotiate with this other mother.  They should enforce the rules.  However, if she doesn't communicate with you that isn't necessarily so safe, either. 

  Deferring to yelloww's expertise above.


In only to rec a lighthearted read on dealing with personalities. http://www.albernstein.com/id55.htm. He's a little dramatic with his presentation obviously but the side benefit is it makes dry material more entertaining. Dirty little fun fact: make sure to peg your own traits so you're aware if your own weaknesses. Almost everyone is a pastiche of a few personalities. Know yours and know others, there's your key to success.

Not sure about my grammatical structure there. What I mean is trust yelloww I've only got a generic suggestion.

There shouldn't be anything in the classroom that the child is allergic to. PERIOD.

The teacher needs to get control of the room mom. As a teacher myself, it is NOT the room mom's classroom.

Is this a private school? How can they get away with all of that sugary stuff anyway with all of the national healthy wellness funding?

Look into the district's wellness policy. Do they have one? Is this food in line with that?

Start there. That policy- if it exists- should give you a lot of leverage.

If they are doing this out of spite and you feel that your family is being targeted, that's another issue entirely and it isn't legal.

The teacher needs to filter and approve everything no matter what the room mom may think.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all those who responded to my previous email.  The school allowed me to come in to all the parties.  Now my next problem is the room mom.  We are a designated "peanut-free" classroom.  Typically I was room mom for the past 3 years and conveniently I wasn't picked this year, after I resigned from the PTA (our PTA members have serious power trips).  Anyway, this mom - who was friendly with me at this point - is upset because I required to be present at the parties and had it added to the 504 so they can't say no now.  My next problem is food.  She hasn't had any contact with me but I know she sent home a list of items for other room moms to bring in everything from homemade cupcakes to chocolate chip cookies and I have no idea what types of candy she requested for the goodie bags.  I've read through the forums and emailed the school that I want changes made to his 504 immediately to safe guard him from the snacks that may be brought in. I've read through the forums and see some people require to review the food brought in 24-48 hours in advance, no food unless it is pre-packaged, etc.  So far the school has been very good accommodating me but I've never made this many requests before, and unfortunately a lot of things are being done out of spite and I don't want my child to feel left out because someone deliberately requested candy they can't eat (unfortunately I would't put it past them) so I want to make sure guidelines are in place that ensure he can enjoy the treats that are supplied too.  Does anyone have any tips for me, things I should be requesting, I'm really overwhelmed by all the info and I want to make sure I cover everything I need too!

Thank you all so much!!