LaurensMom that is awesome and so positive.  What a better experience for all the students!

Oh, I truly hope that this is the beginning of a much BETTER rest of the year, L's mom.   

So some good news. School had offered her the opportunity to become part of new program that would somehow teach residents about food allergies. It is way in the beginning stages...not even born yet...but she is thrilled. I like that they really appear to be doing something. I mean, even though there was a mess in the beginning of the school year, it seems as if they really want to learn and move forward.

Very pleased.

You know, after being away for so long and dealing with this by myself, I really felt like we were alone. I know there was PA before my daughter and that others got through it OK but I was so sick of "Well it never happened before" and "Well, YOUR daughter is jsut going to have to step outside herself when it comes to the social aspect". You get sick and tired of fighting. College is about growth. Yes, Lauren needs to grow socially - engage. I get that. But why put all the onus on her? If college is about growth, why not make the other kids 'grow' in terms of tolerance?
But with all your posts, I'm remembering that though all your PA loved ones are not at her school, she's not alone. You guys give me strength and I pass that to her.

NoNutTeen - they actually let your DD enroll as a freshman, living in a dorm without a meal plan? Wow. How difficult was it to get them to agree to that?

Slight divergence: I spoke with the school psychologist just the other day. She said that just from talking to me about how Lauren is doing that she thinks Lauren is doing fine. She said she thinks Lauren is still in natural transition phases. She said she had 6 students in her office that week talking about the same issue. She had 3 phone calls that day (besides me) from parents conerned about their kids feeling isolated. Can't tell if that is CYA or not.  She recommended me to Residence Life and said it was their job to help with the transition. I didn't realize that. Thought they were all about room assignments. Anyway, going to give that a try.

Laurensmom-  Hi!  My dd is also a freshman in college this year.  We really struggled with how to handle dorm living and her food allergy.  I have a thread in the teen section (I think it's named "Going away to college with LTFA")

My daughter is very social and really wanted to be in one of the suite type floors.  I think there are 4 singles with a common living area and a bathroom.  She could not find enough room mates to agree to nut free and make this safe for her.  She did find one girl but in the end decided on the medical room.  But in our situation, we CHOSE the room.  I don't know how we would have felt about being forced.  That really stinks about the other girls!!

My dd  loves the room.  It is quite large and has the bathroom plus a larger fridge since she is unable to have the meal plan.  I really don't see how this could have worked any other way for her.  BUT like your daughter, the medical room is VERY isolating.  She is in a hall with no one that she has anything in common with and always keeps her door closed. 

Our saving grace right now is that her boyfriend also goes there so she has him and she has been lucky enough to make some friends outside of her hall.  She says it is  a pain though because her room is way out of the way from everyone and everything and so she is kind of missing out on the dorm living experience plus she can't eat at the dining halls which is also a very social area.

Unfortunately (and fortunately, it goes both ways) she is wondering if this room may also be her only choice for next year.  Even though she has met some friends, she still doesn't know how she could room with them without there being food/safety issues.  Freshman and sophmores are required to live in the dorms but they said they could make an exception for her (we were thinking it would be nice for her to have an apartment with an actual kitchen) but would not allow anyone else her age out of the housing contract. 

Staying home was never really an option for her.  It was very obvious that she was ready to take this step even if I wanted her home (or at least closer to home).

Anyway, this isn't much in the way of advice or help just wanted to let you know I understand.   I hate to think of your daughter feeling isolated due to her allergy.  It is SO hard.  Hoping as the semester moves forward she will meet some great friends with empathy that are willing to skip the PB and things get better for her. 

Yes, I think you're right Hedgehog...Lauren too. She has said she finds it easier to talk to guys than girls because, yes, of the whole drama thing.

I think will take your advice, CMdeux, and let it play out for a little longer. Easier to do with all your posts knowing this may just be her and not that she is missing something.

This is a very strange experience for me as Mom. I'm so used to parenting by putting myself in their shoes. If I didn't actually live the experience, I could at least extrapolate.  But this is different. I mean, I graduated from her college. I was a math/CS major. But I didn't have this experience and I have absolutely nothing to extrapolate from.

Being one of the guys has its advantages. I know from experience. Until the last decade or so, I was always one of the guys.  But since I have lived here, I almost exclusively hang out with women.  The few times I have hung out with the guys (my friends' husbands) felt really good though.  Made me realize how much I miss that.

 


Which ultimately means that the "usual" channels for finding female friends... the usual study group drama and party stuff... may never work that well as a social outlet in the first place.

DD is pretty much one of the guys.  She likes it that way.

CM, I could bet wrong, impressions being what they are online, but I really think your daughter would do well in a class full of guys.  Better than a class full of girls anyway.  She has always struck me as similar to my daughter, who I only half-jokingly call a dude.  Lots of "masculine" traits (the ones that are admired in men, but not so much in women), gets along well with the guys, hates all of the girl drama, etc.  I am similar myself.  I see a lot of me in DD in that respect.

L's mom, I haven't gotten to "know" your DD yet, but if think there is a good chance she falls into that same category.  In my limited experience, I think many girls who pursue the more "masculine" fields are like that.

LOL--- I'm just chuckling that your DD and mine seem to have a lot in common, L'smom.  Including program and major, and a lack of extra time to spend screwing around while getting not much done. LOL.

DD isn't all that fond of working with non-honors classmates, either. She tends to shun them because they are too flakey.

She does like working on Chemistry down at the honors dorm's study spaces, however.  So it could just be that some classes will be better than others this way.

_{I suspect that her boyfriend isn't too keen on her working with her CS classmates, though...  being as how they are all male.}  LOL.   She is also in the female minority in all but one of her classes, and in her CS courses, wowsers, is she ever in the minority.  Class of 150, and she's one of fewer than 10 women in it.  Oh-- and she's only 15, too.  So there's that.  Along with the FA's, I mean. 




I guess I would continue to offer her the support (emotional) that she seems to need, and wait-and-see.   If that means letting her come home on the weekends, well, for now I'd probably do it.   

Feel free to PM me and we can chat about more specific than I'm comfy with being posted out in the open, btw.   

LOL...more good news.
The psychologist on campus is extremely PA aware. She is leaving the school to work her own practice. She was our safety net. Ugh...haven't told DD yet.

Guess: I get your points. I am going to do some fine research. I can't say thanks enough for all the time you took to help me out like. Thank you for helping me find direction!  I really do not want to go to battle with them legally. I found throughout public school was to, basically, just show them the light, and they did the right thing. I'm really hoping this is the case. With the pyschologist leaving, I feel like I have to be really on top of all of this.

They 'overbooked' rooms this year. LOL...my opinion was that if the other girls wanted to leave that they should leave. Lauren should get the quad to herself then! LOL. But no, no spare rooms at all. Not even any doubles in this dorm because it is specifically for the honors program (used to be upper-classmen housing).

She's a computer science major - only one of two females in the program (as a freshman).
She refuses to study wtih others because 1) she says no one else studies 2) she says she gets distracted and needs to get done what she has to get done so she can get to practice and work-outs.

Thank you all for the suggestions. If anyone comes up with anything else, I'd be so appreciative if you keep positing.

About the AP courses, yes, LOL...nothing we expected as well. Never occurred to me.

It's funny. I did speak with the psychologist today and she said Lauren's experience was very common...that she had 6 kids in her office last week and 3 parent phone calls yesterday alone all about the same thing. Honestly, I get there is a transition but I don't think that THEY get that along with all the normal transition stuff, they have this on top of it.

Seriously censoring myself here but some people just really tick me off...not the psychologist - but the parents/kids who try to define my daughter without knowing her.

I am not a lawyer and do not give out legal advice. Law compels me to disclose that. Having said that I think it's fine to casually chat about the law, which is not giving advice.

The internet being what it is I'm going to return to explicitly cover the self-identification to university. From here on I'm going to assume that the student has disclosed to Student Disability Services, 504 Coordinator on campus, Disability Office, whatever the office is called on that campus, your daughter has been recognized officially by the university as a student with a disability. Not just for housing, but in whatever manner a barrier to access will require an accommodation. This could mean private, separate proctoring, preservation of academic record if she experiences allergy-related medical issues that interfere with testing or completion of work (like group project who refuse to accommodate). Such that the office will communicate with professors or other instructors that the student has a documented disability as they would for other students with documented disabilities that need accommodations in class, such as a service dog or designated note taker*, etc.

*real life examples from my husband's class last year. The office provided written communication for him to expect a student who needed those accommodations in the classroom.

QuoteDo I have to inform a postsecondary school that I have a disability?

No. But if you want the school to provide an academic adjustment, you must identify yourself as having a disability. Likewise, you should let the school know about your disability if you want to ensure that you are assigned to accessible facilities. In any event, your disclosure of a disability is always voluntary.

If I want an academic adjustment, what must I do?

You must inform the school that you have a disability and need an academic adjustment. Unlike your school district, your postsecondary school is not required to identify you as having a disability or to assess your needs.

Your postsecondary school may require you to follow reasonable procedures to request an academic adjustment. You are responsible for knowing and following those procedures. In their publications providing general information, postsecondary schools usually include information on the procedures and contacts for requesting an academic adjustment. Such publications include recruitment materials, catalogs, and student handbooks, and are often available on school websites. Many schools also have staff whose purpose is to assist students with disabilities. If you are unable to locate the procedures, ask a school official, such as an admissions officer or counselor.

Do I have to prove that I have a disability to obtain an academic adjustment?

Generally, yes. Your school will probably require you to provide documentation showing that you have a current disability and need an academic adjustment.

What documentation should I provide?

Schools may set reasonable standards for documentation. Some schools require more documentation than others. They may require you to provide documentation prepared by an appropriate professional, such as a medical doctor, psychologist, or other qualified diagnostician. The required documentation may include one or more of the following: a diagnosis of your current disability, as well as supporting information, such as the date of the diagnosis, how that diagnosis was reached, and the credentials of the diagnosing professional; information on how your disability affects a major life activity; and information on how the disability affects your academic performance. The documentation should provide enough information for you and your school to decide what is an appropriate academic adjustment.

An individualized education program (IEP) or Section 504 plan, if you have one, may help identify services that have been effective for you. This is generally not sufficient documentation, however, because of the differences between postsecondary education and high school education. What you need to meet the new demands of postsecondary education may be different from what worked for you in high school. Also, in some cases, the nature of a disability may change.

If the documentation that you have does not meet the postsecondary school's requirements, a school official should tell you in a timely manner what additional documentation you need to provide. You may need a new evaluation in order to provide the required documentation.

---

There's good/bad news regarding postsecondary: there's no FAPE. The standards become reasonable as they are in employment but the jurisdiction for enforcement can come under the Department of Justice Disability Rights Section Civil Rights Division as well as the Department of Education's Office of Civil Rights.

Under the current circumstances you describe I suspect an investigation by DOJ or OCR would show that the university did make reasonable modifications because they did a few things correctly. The university did take action, promptly, and the way in which they described they could not take a specific course of action, i.e., enforcing other students to refrain from eating the allergen as a condition of housing, I suspect DOJ would agree especially with the medical housing as a solution. The devil is in the details.

I don't think that means that is the only workable solution the university could employ that would not be an undue burden, especially if they are using a non-standard interpretation of undue burden. It does not mean inconvenient it means costly, nearly impossible to accomplish or imposes something of significance that is demonstrable. But what the university considers an undue burden could merely mean their Student Disability Services is understaffed (not your problem), that they think it's too much work (not really your problem), or just inconvenient (not your problem).

The real crux of the matter most likely is the medical suite comparable to the quad afforded to students without disability and is it financially comparable, meaning they are not charging you more due to the housing accommodation for the disability? If it's inferior, substandard, does not have any option other than a one-size-fits-all-disabilities, and limits her ability to access the program equal to non-disable peers then the school has not addressed the inequity, or worse they've charged you more for it that inequity is still unaddressed and not excusable by undue burden.

For the time being the medical suite does give her control over her environment and may give her an upper hand to identify who she could befriend, more freedom to choose who to associate with. I see a few no cost strategies in the mean time.

• Join campus based clubs with Title II protections
• Visit Wrightslaw's Accommodations for College Students
• VIsit Wrightslaw's Allergy and Anaphylaxis page
• Register for the DOJ's ADA presentation on postsecondary. There will be the opportunity to ask a question through your pane. Make sure it's something that isn't easily covered in the literature. You'll be lucky to get one question in.
• Visit http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/auxaids.html
• Identify the regional Department of Education OCR office whose jurisdiction the university is in
• Visit http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/transition.html
• Look up the university's grievance procedures
• Find the ADA Coordinator or equivalent if not done already
• Familiarize yourself with other Titles (VI or IX) if they are applicable such as status as an underrepresented minority and/or female in a particular major or program.

Later your daughter may need to look at EEOC resources as she takes on internships or employment opportunities. For now the scope is establishing a collegiate course.

Another thing (donning my prof hat here for a moment)-- encourage her to reach out to classmates in order to STUDY together, work on a lab report or project, etc.  Offer spaces that will be FA-friendly, like a library or study room at the library/student union.  This way she can meet people (in her actual classes) who are much more likely to have things in common with her, and be friendlier in the long run.  Also will help that her FA's wont' have to be in on the opening number.  That's the real killjoy with dorm mates, so far as I can tell.  They get prohibition without even knowing what they're missing out on by not giving it a chance.

It really depends upon the program, though-- the one that DD is in, if she'd lived in the honors dorm, many of her dorm-mates would ALSO have been coming in with a ton of AP and DE credits, so that wouldn't have been such an issue.  That particular dorm, though-- very difficult to get a room in it.  The entire dorm is suites.  Two doubles and a shared bath-- or, if you're in a medical single, just the shared bath and a single.

I have to say, L'smom, that the social stuff that doesn't really materialize isn't anything like news to me.  Most unis talk a good line there, but when the rubber meets the road after parents drop off, the school isn't really facilitating much beyond classroom space and cafeterias. 

Is there a lounge area at the student union?  Within the dorm itself?

Could she hang out there to read/study?  That might be a way to meet some others who aren't partying types.

Would they be willing to make a double room on the desired floor a single room for the purpose of accommodation if one opens up later this year (because both kids move, go home or whatever)?

I know in college, my real friends were not hte ones who lived around me.  We had a great time around each other at night (and that is important), but my sophomore-senior years I hung around with students in my major.  I met others through clubs--Circle K (actually met my husband there!). 

I'm really glad you posted about the AP classes.  I have a high school junior, and I hadn't really thought about that aspect of things.