Fantastic!  Glad he did well.  By and large dd was content with her treats we brought as well.

I just wanted to update and let everyone know how proud I am of my little boy!! We have been to 3 birthday parties now since I originally posted this. David was totally content to eat his "special treat" which was 2 enjoy life chocolate chocolate chip cookies and a little pack of sixlets. He was even ok with his brother eating the birthday cake at the party. I asked him if he would be sad if James ate a cupcake and he said "No, I won't be sad. The cupcake might make me feel sick but it won't make James feel sick. I will eat my special cookies." I haven't had time to make him his own cupcakes to take yet, but he was totally ok with his cookies and chocolate.

Like others have said, we bring our own cupcakes.  Now that my big kids are older (older son with allergies is 8, NKA daughter is 6, younger son with allergies is 2), my daughter will eat whatever is provided and then wash up, but when they were younger, I did supply both of their cupcakes to make life easier for me.

We trust Betty Crocker's labeling and Pillsbury. Our family does not trust Duncan Hines labeling, largely because of the experiences some here have had over the years (though not recently I might add).

We always brought a safe cupcake along.  I made them, often keeping some leftovers in the freezer for the future.  We still send a safe treat, usually, and dd is 13.  She often chooses something on her own, like cookies or something and no longer cares if it is the same.  Sometimes, her hosts really do make a safe cake, or at least call and ask me questions, to be sure dd is safe.  After enough years, the good friends will do that! 

But, yes, we have also had hair raising experiences with fluffanutter platters for 3-4 year olds, and PB stuffed celery.  Ugh. 

So, you do need to be vigilant.  I think I might keep the kids ding the same for parties until they are old enough to understand things better. 

For us it was younger dd with the PA.  We would bring our own cupcake, defer the ice cream, read labels on any snacks they had out, and leave the premises if there were any PN's sitting around (dd had contact anaphylaxis.) 

Even then, we'd hit surprises.  One party for ds's friend (so I think I wasn't in full hyper-vigilant mode) that dd tagged along to, I read all the labels, had the cupcake for her, and had to pull chocks and run when I found out the cake had been layered in PB - after it had been served to everyone.  This was after the hostess assuring me there were no nuts in the cake.  Fifteen 4 year olds with PB on their faces and hands.  Ay yi yi.  We were in the car in about 3 minutes flat.  The hostess felt horrible.

For our kids, when dd was younger, I wouldn't let anyone eat what dd couldn't eat.  When she got older, I'd let the other kids eat non-PN foods at parties.  For us, I didn't think it was fair to keep the other kids from eating things just because dd couldn't -once they were old enough to understand that life is a give and take, sometimes things don't seem fair but other things may make up for it, etc.

When dd was younger, I also would put a sticker on her shirt that said "Don't feed me, I have food allergies" to deter well meaning grannies and such.

About the kids' homes being covered in PB?  Well, you don't know.  Does your ds have contact reactions that you know of?  If so, you have to be more vigilant.  If not, I would not worry too much about it, if only because there is no other alternative besides keeping your child in your home forever.  If the other kids are eating PB, I'd probably leave.  That age kids are messy and I wouldn't want to push it, regardless of contact history.

Make a batch of cupcakes, frost only what you need and freeze the rest.  It makes it way easier than having to make cupcakes every time this comes up.  I've even resorted to buying the frosting in the spray can (I think it's pillsbury, but I don't have any to check at the moment) so I'm not wasting an entire can of frosting for 1 or 2 cupcakes.

FYI for birthday party cupcakes I typically tried to make something like the birthday cake if possible, even going to the extent a few times (if I had the energy and time) of finding like toppers--like if the cake was Incredibles buy and wash my own figures and put them on the cupcake. Most of the time I didn't

However, at school "birthday parties" I had no problem if my cupcakes were far more awesome than the party ones. since you are going to homeschool, you won't have to deal with that nonsense, but for anyone else reading the thread for tips, go all out for the food fests, Baby!

yes, both boys were invited, the whole family was actually, but since it is the baby's naptime my husband will be staying home with him and I will take the older 2 to the party. I do think that since they are so close in age and we will be a homeschooling family they will probably have a lot of friends in common for a while, through the elementary years at least, and will both be invited to parties.

We do let James do some things David can't do. He likes to spend the night with my parents and eat PB&J and Reese's cups. Or go on a "date" with his daddy and go get ice cream while I stay home and bake cookies with David. We just don't do family trips to get ice cream or order dessert when we go out to eat, things like that.

Okay, so both children are invited to this party?

Yeah, I'd pack two cupcakes, then, in light of the other emotional stuff that you have mentioned-- and then take them BOTH to Wendy's for a Frosty, playing up (to your younger) what an awesome brother he is.

I should also mention, though, that resentment on the part of the NON-allergic sibling becomes a pretty big deal later on if you insist on every member of the family behaving as though they were allergic.

As they get older, hopefully the invites will be for one or the other of your boys, and not both-- which solves the problem, really.

should I bring a cupcake for his brother too? My 3 year old does not have any allergies, but I am still struggling with how to involve him in all of this. The boys are only 15 months apart in age and they are used to doing everything together, and my oldest is really into things being "fair" and "equal" right now. I don't want to limit my other son if I don't have to, but I also don't want my oldest to resent his brother for getting things he can't have. They have both had to give up a lot of things they really enjoyed, like special trips to Cold Stone and the local fro-yo place. We decided that if our oldest son can't have those things no one in the family will. The good thing is that they are both still young so they have time to get used to a new normal, but I am still unsure on how to handle a lot of things.

With few exceptions, we just took our own cupcake. We have not trusted the ice cream. Make sure you wipe his hands before he eats, and he should be fine.

But you have to prepare him--even practice. Bake a dozen cupcakes (maybe call the mom in advance and ask what flavor the cake will be--this will give you the opportunity to ask her a few questions and give her a heads up). Individual cupcake holders are now available pretty widely.  When my DS was little there was only the Cup a Cake holder (amazon prime would get it to you fast, and it was also available at The Container Store). It's a great thing to have around. I would get two.

I'd let him have your cupcake at the party and take him to Wendy's for a frosty after the party is over.

There is a thing you'll need to decide at some point: do I want him to learn that I will always make up for the food he can't have? That answer will likely be no, because there are times when you just can't.  But you'll figure out what works for your family as you go.

For now, at this age, I'd take him to Wendy's and let him have ice cream, too.

How much do you think he can handle at this point? It's a huge midair change of direction at 4.5.

My son was recently diagnosed with a peanut and tree nut allergy. He has been invited to a birthday party this weekend and we have not been to a party since finding out about his allergy a month ago. I have no idea what I need to do. Do I bring him his own cupcake? How do I find one that I know is safe? What about ice cream? Are there any kinds that are safe? Can he eat anything at the party? How do I know the other kid's home isn't covered in peanut butter? What if the other kids are eating peanut butter? Do we just leave?