504 plans, party food, & confidentiality

[eggallergymom]

My DD is a second-grader, and has a 504 plan in place that sets certain parameters for food in her room. At the beginning of the year, the teacher sent out a note to parents letting them know that in addition to the foods prohibited by the new district food policy  (passed over the summer in large part because of my DD's anaphylaxis at school) that there would be additional restrictions on food in this classroom because of "food allergies". To the school's credit, my daughter's teacher and her new principal (who seems great) have tried hard to respect her privacy, which is especially important given all of the fallout and ugliness last year.
Long story short, we have the first real test of her 504, courtesy of the class Halloween party. The mom in charge wants to do a craft using candy corn (which will then be consumed as well.) Candy corn is a disaster for a kid with an egg allergy, and her 504 limits classroom celebration food to store-bought, prepackaged foods from a list of safe foods that I've provided. The room mom emailed me to let me know they wanted to do this craft/food project at the party, and asked, "Do you have any issues with this?" 
Clearly I can play this one of two ways, both of which are problematic. The first--I could be super-flexible and offer to provide the candy corn and other food items myself, so that I know they're safe. BUT.. do I really want to set that precedent? Am I gutting the 504 I worked so hard for? Am I sending the message that I don't really take it seriously? The other option is to draft the teacher and/or principal into this, and see what they say. But does that make me a PIA?
Have any of you been in a similar situation? How do you handle conflicts between the 504 and what the other parents want to do in terms of food without hipping everybody to the contents of your child's 504 plan?
Oh, and to give a little context--the mother who dreamed up this craft is the same mom who is apoplectic that she can no longer hand out cookies to kids as they walk into the holiday PTO fundraiser. Yep, until now, they've handed out cookies (containing eggs, nuts, wheat, etc) to CHILDREN as they walked in, without checking with parents first. Oy.

[twinturbo]

Bump that back to the administration to stay on course with the 504.

[maeve]

Bump it back to the administration and also find out how the other parent found out that you should approve food.  That's hardly protecting your DD's privacy.

[eggallergymom]

Maeve, the woman's daughter was in my DD's class last year. The class where DD landed after the anaphylaxis, so she knows about her egg allergy and remembers the changes that were made last year (no foods containing eggs were allowed in the room.)
Her daughter and my daughter are friends, and have had playdates. I actually thought she was an ally until this year, when it became apparent she wasn't. We've never been to the holiday PTO fundraiser, in large part because it involves a huge bake sale, and parading my anxious DD through all of that eggy stuff wasn't appetizing. Anyway, I didn't realize this woman was the cookie pusher until a friend went to a PTO planning meeting and heard a 20-minute tirade about kids with food allergies and how they were "ruining everything".

[twinturbo]

The following does not constitute advice to you because I'm far more comfortable with confrontation than many people but if I heard there was a tirade against the very medical condition my child had during a PTO meeting there'd be some confronting if in a very quiet, civil, calm and doggedly determined manner. She can do it in her home, at the grocery store, on her website, what have you but a school function populated and administered by parents and teachers requires a modicum of civility that includes restraining one's adult self from ranting about minor students' medical issues.

Sorry, end rant.

[CMdeux]

OH, wow.


Yeah, with that backstory in mind, you had better believe I'd be kicking this to the teacher/admins.  To heck with being a PITA...


the administration needs to rein her in.  Not you, personally.

Besides, you can INNOCENTLY explain if she whines about it that... well, you never know who ELSE might have 504 provisions relating to FOOD USE. You are BOTH obligated to check rather than ASSUMING that something is okay.  After all, privacy concerns also dictate that YOU may not know every restriction in place, yes?

Just something to consider and make use of as needed.   

[maeve]

Ah I see eggallergymom.  I think I'm pretty much in the same boat but I'm kicking it back to the teacher.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this too.

[eggallergymom]

Thanks, everybody. I really appreciate the advice. My gut was telling me to punt this up the food chain (pun intended), too, though I dread the fallout that may cause.

As scary as the actual food allergy itself has been, I think the most demoralizing part of this whole experience has been seeing other parents react in such a negative way to changes designed to protect kids like mine. We've "ruined everything" by removing baked goods from the classroom. I can only imagine having the kind of life that allowed for that kind of hyperbole.

There have been a few moms who have surprised me in a good way by being vocally supportive of the food changes, but there have been some really nasty surprises, too. It should be easier, huh?

Thanks again!

[maeve]

I wish it were easier.  I'm just tired of being bullied by other parents (and teachers too).   It's tiresome and completely unnecessary.

[eggallergymom]

I agree, Maeve. And while it's comforting, in a way, to know that other people are going through similar stuff, I wish you weren't.  It shouldn't be like this.
 

[ajasfolks2]

The school sets the policies via the 504 and other LTFA school-wide policies.

The other parent (room mom or PTO-whatever) has no business attempting to negotiate these with YOU or any other parent.

Sounds like as part of following the 504 and other LTFA policies, the school needs procedures in place that specify a set amount of time (say, 14 days out) from a planned event (like said "celebration") where the planning staff and parent(s) must do the following:

1.  Submit the event in writing to listed administration/staff (say, 14+ days out?  Perhaps suggest reasonable timeline.)
2.  Staff should be able to outright catch the obvious concerns and details/plans that would violate school safety policy AND LTFA concerns AND 504 concerns.  f the stated policy IS food-free, then all food use (eating and supply would be immediately NIXED.  They would state reason as "see XYZ policy" and attach it. 
3.  Staff ASAP gives back plan with cross-outs and other items of concern and tells party/event-planner to do over and WHY without naming names or putting things all onn the back of LTFA kids.
4.  Meanwhile, if there is some accommodation in place that allows for LIMITED food with parental (you and poss other med-need families) approval, then your 504C and/or school nurse should be coming to you (& those other parents, separately and discreetly, respecting privacy) with the ENTIRE event/party-plan so that YOU can help them in identifying other concerns and problems.  How you handle these -- and how much/how often you accommodate the use/abuse of food is up to you.  But, yes, I think you've already identified the slippery slope on this.

Is the food a NECESSITY in the planned event?

Halloween party?

IMHO, NO food needed for that event.

Totally do-able with ZERO food.  If party happens to be a young kiddos' regularly scheduled "school mandated" in-classroom snacktime then each and every child should just be bringing own from-home "snack as usual" that follows the classroom restrictions (e.g. pnut free/egg free -- whatever the verbiage and rules are for your situation).

Truly, you should NEVER be put into position to have to "negotiate" this.  You are not "asking for favors".  And rightfully, you should not be doing the school's job.

The SCHOOL needs to work diligently to rein in the cupcake mommy.  She may never understand that ANY food poses risk to ANY child (the "WHY").  But perhaps the school might at least get her to FOLLOW THE RULES and policy and that the "WHY" on that is so she doesn't risk injury or death to a child/student because it's SCHOOL SAFETY POLICY not to do so. 

Pardon my capitalization -- am using for emphasis, not shouting.   

Stand on the 504.  Help the school develop policy and procedure that MUST be followed by everyone -- no exceptions.

Exceptions spell disaster.

You've already starred in that picture show. 



~e

[ajasfolks2]

P.S. -- If you wish to quietly provide some activity ideas -- pull up the page at archived boards where I discussed "Pumpkin Lady" and we had great suggestions for Halloween/Fall party activities.

Food free?  You bet.

Fun filled?  OMgoodness -- I still have staff and parents and kids who remember me and that day with great fondness and glee -- it was years back!!

ETA -- And THE REASON for not using food at all?  With the numbers of LTFA children rising AND the documented numbers of LTFA reactions happening IN SCHOOLS -- why would anyone take this level of risk?  Nobody has a crystal ball.  NObody knows which UNdiagnosed LTFA child may be there at the event that day.  The most inclusive and safest is FOOD FREE.  So that all of the children can have all of the fun and no child is harmed -- either physically by the allergen or emotionally by having to see a classmate go down.

Truly, it is the most inclusive.   

[eggallergymom]

Thanks so much, ajasfolks2! You make some wonderful points, and I am headed to the old board now to check out "Pumpkin lady".

I did talk to the school principal, and he made sense--said that the easiest way to deal with this would be to let the room mother submit the form (required under the new food rules) explaining what food she wanted to use and why, and then reject it. I asked him what they'd give as the reason for rejecting it, and he said "we'd just say it doesn't fit the needs of the classroom". I explained, at length, my concerns about people finding out about my daughter's 504 plan (and the restrictions in it), and he was very clear that they wouldn't mention that, or talk about my daughter specifically.

I've since gotten an email from my DD's teacher, saying that she needs me to clarify my position on classroom celebration food.   Doesn't the 504 plan "clarify" that?  It's in black and white--only store-bought, pre-packaged food from the list of safe foods that I provided. 

Meanwhile, the room mother just called and left a long voicemail that says that she and the other mother planning the party are "very nervous" about my DD's food allergy, and need my direction on food so they can do their planning. She then gives a long list of snacks that they want to bring, in lieu of the candy corn, which she now agrees wouldn't be safe. The problem being that the new school district policy limits the classroom celebrations to ONE snack, and one drink. All of the snacks she listed would be safe, per my DD's 504 plan, but the district policy limits it to one and they clearly intend to serve several.

UGH. I hate that I've now spent my morning dealing with the goofy Halloween party!! Something that will take a grand total of twenty minutes, and that will no doubt be forgettable, anyway, to a group of seven year olds.
Thanks again, everybody, for your time and feedback.

[ajasfolks2]

Sounds like principal is getting things and is on board with how this should be managed (policy and procedure and NOT in violation of 504 or privacy).

I'd direct the teacher's email request to the principal -- whatever you feel is best way by either forwarding to principal and asking him/her to "take it from here".

Same with the room mom:  forward it all on to principal.

Perhaps this is the best way for principal to SEE firsthand what is going on rather behind the scenes.

Take yourself out of the negotiating.

(But you might offer to principal that you'd bring "Pumpkin Bowling" to the event . . . if you're up to it and would NOT be a burden.  Just as a peace offering of sorts . . . )   

Hang in there!!  You're doing a great job.  Truly!

~e