Peanut free table: is the cost worth the benefit?

[Jenmag7]

My DS is 7, in 2nd grade, and is PA and TNA.   A little background on my DS... he was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder this summer, and is currently seeing a psychologist and taking medication for it.  He has always struggled with anxiety, but it got really bad in April of this year, which is when we sought help.  Because of this anxiety, DS has struggled making friends at school.  He is friendly with the other kids, but has trouble really knowing how to approach them and develop friendships.

At his school, he sits at a peanut free table with other kids in the second grade, I think there are 5 or so other kids.  While it's very nice that he's not alone, I think sitting seperately from the class has really limited his ability to make friends in his class. 

Last year one of the boys at this table was also in his class.  This boy was nothing but trouble all year; he had no other friends but my son.  DS's teacher often told me, "Your son is so nice to be ______'s friend."  This kid was suspended several times (one time for BITING my DS and drawing blood because my DS wanted to play with another friend ).  He was mean to everyone, even my DS, but my DS was still his friend.  He is always trying to convince my DS to break the rules or bully other kids (which is not in my DS's nature at all). 

At the end of last year, I wrote a letter to the principal asking that this boy not be in my DS's class again.  That request was granted (yay!) so I thought we'd be fine this year.  Well, since they still sit together at the peanut free lunch table, they always leave lunch together and go right to recess.  There have been a couple incidents where my DS has gotten into trouble because of guilt by association by being around this other boy.  I've told my DS to make some new friends to play with at recess, but when you combine his anxiety with the fact that he doesn't sit with anyone in his class, it has been hard for him to do.  Because he hangs out with this mean kid, I think the other kids just assume my DS is the same way (which he is not at all).

After a fight at recess yesterday, I'm seriously ready to have my DS leave the peanut free table and sit with his class.  I really think he is going to struggle to make new friends in his class if he's always sitting at the peanut free table with this trouble making friend.  But I don't want to put my DS at risk by not sitting at the peanut free table.  I'm trying to weigh the cost vs the benefits of sitting at each place.  Plus, I don't even know how the school would feel about him not sitting at the peanut free table.  What would you do?

[CMdeux]

I think that in your shoes I'd be weighing reaction history and looking to see what, if anything, set off the anxiety.

If it was a reaction-- particularly one whose source/trigger remains unidentified-- then you have quite a conundrum on your hands.

Because sitting near someone with an allergen is likely to be fairly anxiety-provoking.  It certainly is for my DD, and she's considerably older than your DS.  She wouldn't be thinking about ANYTHING but where that person put his/her hands after touching food, and I'd anticipate that she would probably stop eating in response to the stress of that kind of situation day after day.  Kids have some strange ways of mitigating risks.



Would the school be willing to provide a "buffer" around an assigned seat for your DS?  (Having him sit with his class, I mean.)

[Stinky6]

so  we have sseveral opinions here.....

my hardcase self says he either needs the table or not. 

My 7yo PA 3rd grade son was given the option to try to sit with his class this year - he only did it once and felt that it was harder to connect with the kids....he likes the smaller group at the PA table and continues to sit there.   But I think next year or the year after I'm going to have to push the issue and have him sit with his class.   I think 7 is probably on the cusp - by 9 he should be able to manage the class table.  So I'm not pushing it now. 

My DH says that you should talk to the principal and/or the recess teachers and ask them to speak to the boys and tell them that they are a bad influence on each other and that they shouldn't play together at recess  (this way it's not your son saying that to the other boy)  - but I feel bad then for the other boy - my DH says that's not your problem....   

At our recess there is kickball and football and other group games - if you have those I would try to encourage him to join in

maybe set up some play dates with new kids
ask if he can invite (or teacher can invite) other kids to sit with him at the table

SO....I think he probably still needs the table and I would try to work on the other issues - moving to sit with the class may cause more anxiety
this is hard....good luck.

[GoingNuts]

What is DS's reaction history?  Is he contact or airborne sensitive?

[ajasfolks2]

One of the other considerations is how much peanut / nut is actually being eaten in the cafeteria by fellow classmates.  Does your cafeteria serve it as one of the school lunch offerings?  Are most of the bring-from-home lunch kids bringing it?

Another is, how much meaingful adult supervision is in the cafeteria during your child's lunch period?  How long is the lunch period?  Are the kids absolutely glued to their seats once seated, or does the school allow a lot of "up and down" (or free-for-all . . . )? 

No matter where our kids sit, we teach them to eat from their lunch box, meaning don't lay things out on the table.  I do know other families send extra napkin or disposable placemats to put on table so child might set own lunch out of box.

Are the "non" PN-free tables washed by adults with soap/water between shifts of kids?

If the situation with other child is so toxic (which likely would ramp up anxiety in your child), then I'd be looking at the move to regular class table too.

As part of working with your child & the combo with anxiety . . . getting to your understanding as to "how does the child feel" about sitting at that PN-free table is really crucial.  Does it improve the child's his/her sense of security and thus lessen anxiety?  Hopefully your psychologist can help with this as well.  (Does your child journal yet?  It can really help -- even if it's full of misspells, etc.  Artwork too can help with this.  And lots and lots of role playing.  But I'm sure you knew that.) 

Hang in there.  Sounds like you are doing everything you can to be a great parent!

~e

[AllergyMum]

Just wanted to let you know that it can be done.

My MFA son has very strong contact reactions to all his allergies including & especially to dairy.  He sits at a table with other kids who eat/drink his allergies and to date we have not had any problems with this arrangement.  He has his own place to sit at the table (closer to the supervisor who specifically are told to watch & help him if required) but does sit with his classmates.  He knows not to touch other people food or drinks not allow anyone to touch his food.

I should note that in his old preschool & at his elementry school we have always had very good working relationships with them in his allergy safety management.  And more importantly, we trust them to provide the proper balance to let him be a regular kid while keeping him safe.  To me this is key.

[Jenmag7]

To answer some questions: 
I have no idea what set off this bad bout of anxiety.  Like I said, he's always had higher than normal anxiety, but at the end of April he experienced some bullying(from the same 2 kids we are having issues with now).  It was about that same time that he started having horrible, horrible mood swings at home.  We took a trip to Disneyland in May and while we were there, he starting shutting down: not wanting to go on rides, just wanting to stay in our hotel.  When we got home, he began refusing to go ANYWHERE other than school, church, friend's houses, and family member's houses.  If we tried to force him to go anywhere, even somewhere really fun, he would cry, shake with fear, and run from us (and he's 7!).  It has been that way ever since.  Recently things have finally started improving with the help of his psychologist and some medication.

He does have contact reactions, but so far none have been very serious: just hives and itchy throat that have been resolved with Benedryl.  His most recent ingestion reaction was when he was only 3, so he doesn't remember it at all. 
The cafeteria at his school does not serve any peanut/nut products, but kids are allowed to bring them from home.  He's a bit of a messy eater and always puts his fingers in his mouth when he's eating, so that is a worry for me when he's near peanut butter.

I'm not sure how much up and down there is during lunch.  I know there are adults in there walking around and monitoring, I'm just not sure how many.  They aren't in there very long; they are free to get up and go to recess outside as soon as they finish eating. 

And I know they are allowed to invite a friend to sit with them.  I've encouraged this, and he says one of his friends eats with him whenever this friend buys school lunch (a couple times a week I think?), but I'm not sure what's really going on.

I guess I worry that because the school already provides the peanut free table as a way to keep him safe, I have a feeling they wouldn't be too willing to go out of their way to do anything else to keep him safe if he sits with his class.  My plan all along has been for him to transition to the regular table when he's in 3rd or 4th grade.  This friend/bullying issue has just pushed the idea a little earlier for me.

I really think the bully/friend that he sits with at the peanut free table is a BIG part of why he's having trouble making other friends.  I think my DS likes the security of the peanut free table, but he seems to feel a little left out of the group.  He's not one to go out of his way to make new friends.  He is just friends with who happens to be around him.   

I'm really torn on this issue.  I want to keep him safe, more than anything else.  But I really worry about his happiness and ability to fit in as long as he's hanging out with the other boy.  I guess for now I'm gonna wait and see how the next couple weeks go, and see if the situation improves at all. 

[AllergyMum]

Jenmag
My son had a serious allergic reaction two summers ago. After that he had a lot of anxiety and lost a lot of confidence. We put him in karate and it really helped him. He is still in the program and it has made a huge difference in his life. 
I wrote a blog back in january that speaks about this and gets into more detail. Here is the link to that post

http://allergymum.blogspot.com/2011/01/regaining-confidence-after-anaphylactic.html

[Jenmag7]

Thanks AllergyMum.  I have actually been thinking for a while now that I'd like to get him into karate to help his confidence.  But at this point he's still too scared to even go somewhere like that.  But I think it won't be long before he'll be up for it.

[AllergyMum]

When my son first started the owner set him up with an older buddy from the class.  Having this boy help him join in made a big difference getting him to start in the beginning.  When your son is ready perhaps an arrangement like this might help

[Jenmag7]

**UPDATE**
I finally made the difficult decision to move DS (7) away from the peanut free table to the regular table with his class.  (he is in 2nd grade)

The week before school got out for Christmas, the same boy he's been sitting with at the peanut free table (that has been bullying him for a year and a half) attacked him at recess AGAIN by putting his hands around his neck trying to choke him, all because my DS wanted to play with other kids.  The boy got in trouble for it, but my DS also got in trouble for elbowing him to get him away.  I'd had enough!

What further cemented my decision that it would be best not to sit there anymore was how incredibly miserable and unhappy my DS has been all school year, compared to how happy and at peace he was over the Christmas break.  I realized that he is not just an unhappy kid in general; he is unhappy because of his school situation.  He cried the night before school started this week because he was afraid of dealing with the bully kids again, and I assured him it was NOT going to be an issue anymore.

I told him he could sit at the table with the rest of his class and taught him how to be safe there.  I emailed the teacher and told her my decision and why I was making it.  I figured it was better to just tell her what was best for my son, not let her and the principal try to decide. She wrote back and told me that it was just fine. She had a talk with the kids in his class about keeping their hands and food to themselves at lunch.  And after a couple days of sitting with his class, he already seems happier and is making more friends.  Let's hope this keeps up!

[CMdeux]

I'm so glad to hear that things are improving for your son!!

I'll keep my fingers crossed that all continues to go well.

[suevv]

You know we just had the exact same experience of rediscovering our bright happy boy over Christmas vacation.  We are switching preschools to get away from some anxiety producing issues for my son, and are really optimistic that it will help (see my angry, angry, angry vent thread about the final straw for us at his old school).  I hope we both see great results in this new year!

FYI - this brings up my ongoing fantasy that schools will adopt "peanut tables" rather than a "peanut free table."  That way pbj-crazed parents can keep sending their sandwiches, while our kids don't have to be isolated.  A girl can dream you know.  Plus, if we wanted to make a fuss, we could probably make a pretty convincing separate-is-not-equal argument based on experiences just like these.

I think you are doing the right thing,
Sue

[Jenmag7]

Thanks everyone.  The "peanut table" is my dream too, though I doubt it'll ever happen!
Today when DS got home from school I asked how lunch/recess was and he said, "Great!!"