Normal or overboard?

[Jessica]

We're visiting relatives right now and my sister decided to invite a bunch of people over that we don't know. Some brought along food. Nothing with nuts but definitely not safe. There is some drinking goibg on and most everyone is very loud. DD got very stressed and upset and started crying. She said she's just really nervous with all the strangers and food and we ended up going upstairs so she could relax and calm down. I know she'll have to learn to deal with situations like this but hell, it's got me stressed too. I'm not the partying type either, I guess. So anyway do you think it's normal for her to freak out like this? I'm sure my horrible parenting is being discussed downstairs 

[GoingNuts]

Hi Jessica, I'm going to start out by saying that I'm not the partying type either.  I loathe being around loud, raucous partying where drinking is the focus of the gathering and avoid this situations wherever possible.  Guess that makes me a stick in the mud, but so be it.

That said, I'm curious about what your DD found so stressful.  Was it the general atmosphere?  The food? 

I'm going to guess it was a combination of the two, and can see why it would stress her out and make her uncomfortable.  However, I do think her reaction may be a bit over the top.  Is she an anxious person in general?

With our kids it's really hard to strike a balance where FA's are prominent enough in their lives to keep them safe, yet not so dominant that FA's overshadow their lives completely and take center stage, KWIM?  When they are little, the world is really scary as they go around sticking anything and everything in their mouths and we really feel that stress as parent.  As they grow older, they should have the awareness of what they have to do to keep themselves safe, and while there are other threats (kissing, etc.), just being in a room with unsafe food should not be a source of stress.  They need to be cautious enough to know how to advocate for themselves, but not so cautious that they can't enjoy life.

(BTW, I wish my DS was a little more cautious.  He's leaving for college in a few weeks, and I'm terrified about him taking risks - especially in the beginning when he is meeting new people and not wanting to call attention to himself.)

I will also hazard a guess from a previous post about your DD making you feel guilty for enjoying foods she can't eat when you are out without her, that FA's are very prominent in her life.  I don't know her reaction history, but if she has had multiple severe reactions her it is understandable.  But it sounds like she might benefit from talking to someone about her anxiety, and helping her find that sweet spot where she is aware enough of her FA's to stay safe, but not dwelling in them to the point that they have taken over. 

I hope the rest of the night went better, and that she's feeling better today.  Good luck!

[Macabre]

Can I like GN's thoughtful and sympathetic response? 

I hope she feels more comfortable the rest of the weekend!

[SweetandSour]

I would say if this was unexpected that maybe that was the triggeR? No time to mentally prepare for the food, having to deal with why can't you eat that type questions, etc.

[CMdeux]

I may be back later to add more to this, but....

yes, what GN said.  Also, while it is true that for MOST people with FA's, just being in the same room with unsafe food is not a cause for overt alarm... there are obviously caveats.

I can't really answer your question without knowing:

a) how risky the food was.  Was it may-contain as in.... probably contains?  Was it finger food?  Messy?  Were there little kids eating it?  Do you know FOR SURE that there wasn't a hidden layer of something nutty?

b) how crowded?  full sofas?  or standing room only? 

c) what kind of threshold does your DD have?

d) what kind of history of reactivity does she have in this environment?  By that, I mean-- both in similar situations, and also in this particular home.


All of those are things that play into risk VERY significantly.  I can see my DD having a kind of meltdown in that situation, too-- but that is because of her history.

  If she's in a situation where:  a) her allergen IS present (as in, she can smell it) and b) she can't possible watch EVERYONE because it's too chaotic/crowded, then yes, every single one of her instincts is telling her to get OUT OUT OUT of there.

(That's probably not inappropriate for her, fwiw, because those kinds of situations are a perfect recipe for major reactions in her experience.)

Add in being an introvert by nature, and/or being an adolescent female and hormonally-driven, and this reaction makes a good deal of sense to me.  Not that it isn't something to address/work on, of course, with an eye toward finding a more socially graceful way of handling "I'm really not comfortable here," but her underlying feelings don't strike me as that unreasonable.  Moms of boys may not know just how volatile girls can be at this point in their lives; they frequently act as amplifiers for whatever happens to be going on in their heads, and they can't always even explain WHY something seems to be such a big deal (at that moment in particular).   

[Jessica]

This was a totally unexpected situation. My other two sisters also had no idea there would be such a crowd either. The food was some deli type rolls that had a shared lines warning on it and some homemade cupcakes that my sister came in and said they're "just cupcakes" in a somewhat exasperated tone (when dd was sitting there). They were all people we didn't know (some we may have met 5 or more yrs ago) . No one appeared to know anything about dd being allergic. There were also kids present. Being on vacation dd has been very stressed in general since we're so far from home and not eating at our usual places. It seems like her allergies have been her main focus this trip. 

As far as reactions she doesn't seem to have a low threshold. But she knows that is no guarantee. She has never reacted beyond her initial reaction to walnut and occasional mystery hives  but we do have what I feel is a pretty tight comfort zone.

[starlight]

I *still* do that sometimes. I have a very low threshold for crowds/loudness sometimes and it usually has nothing to do with the food, but food plus the overstimulation for an introvert adds another level of helplessness that can lead to a panic attack. Now that I'm an adult, I just make some excuse (have to get up early, etc) and leave. But there have been times at parties my parents have hosted where leaving isn't a choice and I just remove myself from it from a while, close myself into a bedroom or go outside.

[GoingNuts]

Travel + FA's = Stress

That is for certain, and I think it's one of the reasons my DS really doesn't enjoy travel very much.  Being on the road and having to deal with asking questions in restaurants, being at other people's homes and all that goes with that can definitely be a bit much.

That said,  she could probably benefit from learning some constructive coping mechanisms.  As she continues to mature, these situations will come up more and more often - unless she rarely leaves home, which would be a shame.

Do you have an allergist who you trust who can talk to her about what is and isn't risky for her?  Or do you know of a FA adult IRL who could talk to her about their experiences and how they handle them?

It hurts me to read about how stressed she feels.   It is really good that she will talk about it, rather than just hold it all in.