New here, but need help before meeting with principal

[twinturbo]

On the surface it seems ridiculous over cupcakes (hint: this is not really about cupcakes) but what the nurse said/did actually constitutes intimidation by alluding to a threat of retaliation based on disability. I'd make a note about that including time, date, statements any time you encounter it from any source whether it is from a school official or parent, and if you're not keeping a log, a folder, start one.

We all handle it differently. I like to call BS aloud when it finds me such as, "Wow, sounds like that might have INTIMIDATED a person or two in the past from invoking disability law. Good thing medical privacy and bullying students is legally protected." End with a mirthless Jim Carrey laugh.

[ajasfolks2]

We all handle it differently. I like to call BS aloud when it finds me such as, "Wow, sounds like that might have INTIMIDATED a person or two in the past from invoking disability law. Good thing medical privacy and bullying students is legally protected." End with a mirthless Jim Carrey laugh.

Excellent!

Might even go so far as to use "You wouldn't be attempting to intimidate this food allergy family into giving up rights to inclusion in this public school, would you?"

[twinturbo]

Maybe. The more practical way might be to keep a straight face while you say Oh, my! How would the parents find out if medical information is so highly protected? Who are you telling me would retaliate against us? What are you saying they will do to my child? Who do you think I should report this to?

I mean, she wants to go there? Suuuuuure. Let's really go there. Put it all out, sister.


ETA: This is a portion taken from a short article on witness intimidation. An all too common tactic in discrediting a hidden disability involving the immune system triggered by food is to emphasize the food rather than medical condition. Hence, see the forest for the trees. It's still intimidation.

Witness intimidation commonly takes two mutually-reinforcing forms.[5]

Case-specific intimidation involves threats or violence intended to discourage a particular person from providing information to police or from testifying in a specific case.

Community-wide intimidation involves acts that are intended to create a general sense of fear and an attitude of non-cooperation with police and prosecutors within a particular community.†

Beware that you're likely dealing with a gossip rich school. "It will get out" "the parents" "problems for your child" to me reads Community-wide intimidation.

[ajasfolks2]

Amen and alleluia!

[CMdeux]

I like to use "I'm confused" statements in order to get "clarification" when someone tries to pull this kind of crap with me.

For example, in response to "we can't control... blah-blah-blah";

"I'm confused-- are you telling me that you lack the authority and ability to control student behavior at school-sanctioned events??  <pregnant pause>

Wow.  How do you prohibit inappropriate activities like smoking, then?
<pause again>

Or is it that you just don't want to?  There seems to me to be a difference between 'can't' and 'won't' here."




Another approach is a sunny "Oh, I just KNOW that would never happen," (meaning intimidation or the creation of a hostile learning environment due to releasing your child's private medical information) "because I'm sure that everyone in this room-- everyone who would need to have the information about my child, in fact-- would NEVER gossip about my child's privatemedical information like that.  So how would all these parents know, hmmm?  I'm sure that won't be a problem.  Unless there is something else that you aren't telling me, I mean.  Is there?"


The hard-line approach, of course, is to suggest none-too-gently that what you are hearing IS harrassment and intimidation already.  Which it is, of course-- but you want to play a long game here, if you'll pardon the euphemism.   I personally think it is best to remain "the calm one," which you've done ADMIRABLY at so far.  Not bursting into tears in the face of such a meeting is quite a feat, really.    You should be proud of yourself.

Being calm means simply being an immovable force in this context.  Know the law, know what your child's rights are, and KNOW that you will win.  Because you are in the right. 

Making a child's medical condition the scapegoat for undesirable changes in schools is-- WRONG.  Illegal in no uncertain terms.  If they wouldn't announce "No more climbing wall during PE for the first through third graders, since John in Mrs. Smith's room has Juvenile RA, so it's off-limits for him," then they shouldn't be announcing blaming a child as an explanation why there won't be a (food project) either.

Threatening to release a child's federally-protected, private medical information is BAD.  My school tried this tactic with me once, too.  I told them to call their attorneys and talk that one over.  And I laughed.  I also pointed out that they were basically threatening to tell EVERY IGNORANT PARENT who found out about it precisely how to KILL my daughter.  I don't take that risk, because all it takes is one person who is both completely ignorant, over-confident that it's an exaggeration, and also a bit indignant over changes to things to render that situation deadly.  Yeah, what are the odds, right?  Not too many of THOSE people around.   

This message sunk in, apparently.  Because that was the last time that I was "encouraged" to "share" about the specifics of my daughter's food allergies with all and sundry, and it was the last time that handwashing and food restrictions at events were "blamed" on them, too.

[Lianne]

Is there a resource where I can call someone who can help me through all these steps?  I did reach out a support group, and they were very helpful but it was a bit vague.  I hate to admit this but I need some hand holding, I've read what needs to happen next but I don't understand how to phrase it and all of that stuff.  Right now my husband is deployed so this is falling at an even worse time than it could have been had he been home.  Some friends suggested I go to the media with it, but I'm trying to give the school district a chance.  I want to see if it's just this principal and district nurse or if it's everyone.  I was told by a the support group lady that the principal cannot ignore a letter from his doctor.  I hope this is true.  I've already called him and I explained what is going on and told them what specific language needs to be in the letter.  I have an appt on tues with the woman in the district office in charge special needs, or special education, to be honest I don't remember but she oversees the nurse, which I don't understand as I thought being a district nurse she was the highest I could go, but this is great hopefully this woman is helpful.  Of course the earliest is Tuesday at 4.  Then I have an over the phone appt with someone from the education ombudsman team at the gov's office on wednesday.  I will also be getting a call back from someone at the OSPI, I think it's called but again, not til Tuesday. 
I really didn't want to take him to school today, but if I didn't, it felt like I was saying I give up.  So I approached his teacher and said ok they won't fix things, but here are my requests to you, give him his treat first, make sure all the tables are wiped down, floors swept and hands washed.  She agreed to it all very willingly.  I asked her why we can't hand them out at the end of the day and was told "no because of the no food on the school bus policy" and clearly that can't be changed.  although maybe there's an allergic child on the bus and that wouldn't be fair to them.  DS told me that it was a student's mother handing out the cupcakes yesterday but told me that only his teacher touches his treat box, so at least there's that. 
As for the thing about private medical information, the thing is everyone in his class knows about his allergy, so if the parents read that peanut products were banned all they would have to do is ask their child and they'd easily know it was my son who's the "problem"

[Carefulmom]

I am at work and have to keep this really short, but just wanted to say a few things.  You will get through this.  You have lots of people here who know all about the laws relating to food allergies as a disability and they will walk you through it.  Really, they will tell you step by step.  Also, you mentioned you are in Washington state.  Sometime around 2000 to 2002 there was a death of a third grader in Washington state.  I think it was in Spokane.  He was allergic to peanuts and died on a field trip.  School mistakenly gave him a pb cookie.  He was told it was safe and thought it was a sugar cookie.  He reacted and the school did not give epi until 1 to 2 hours later.  He died.  My understanding is that since then the laws in Washington state have gotten stricter as far as food allergies, although I may be wrong and that may be specific to Spokane.  His name was Nathan Walters.  There is lots of information out there on this, or at least there was.  It was a long time ago.  However, his story helped me when dd was younger as far as getting accomodations.  Once the school makes that fatal mistake, there is no undoing it.  His father has posted on our old board.

BTW, I am a single mom.  It is hard when your dh is deployed, but you will get through this.  Also, there is a food allergy advocate out there named Rhonda.  Website is www.foodallergyadvocate.org   I am pretty sure that her phone number is on her website.  She is supposed to be wonderful.  Several on this board thought she was great.  However, one person tried to contact Rhonda and never got a response. 

I have to run.  I will come back to this thread over the weekend.

[ajasfolks2]

Hang in there, Lianne. 

I'll try too to get into this thread over weekend with some step-by-step help.

Be sure to log in to your username rather than posting just as guest -- you may get some private message help as well to your username, especially if you want to keep some details "behind curtains" -- if you know what I mean.

Thank you to your husband AND you & family for your service.

[CMdeux]

I cannot caution you strongly enough to NOT engage the media here.

DO NOT.

It pretty much never goes well.  I've seen dozens of instances where it's been done over the years, and NONE of them have gone in a direction which is sympathetic to the family... or, more to the point, to the child.  It doesn't matter how heinous the behavior of the school or other parents has been, it doesn't matter how "reasonable" you are.

Disgusting?  Yes.  But it makes the "my RIGHTS! my FOOD RIGHTS!!" crazies come out of the woodwork.  Some of those situations can (really) become scary and possibly even dangerous as those nutsos go about "proving" you a loon.  How?  By exposing your child and "demonstrating" that nothing happens. 
With a very sensitive child, you really can be handing some nutjob in desperate need of a anal craniotomy a way to 'get' at your child.

I know that sounds paranoid.  But hell, we've all had family members who have leaned in that direction-- why on EARTH wouldn't we be willing to admit that a hostile stranger might?

  Also-- if *you* treat your son's medical and disability information as though it isn't private, then why should the school handle things differently?  Answer-- they won't.  At least not one BIT beyond what they are obligated for under the law, that is.


We can help you with verbiage-- either on the open boards, with names/places redacted, or via PM. 

Stinky's posts may be especially helpful to you, as she is also in your state.   

[yelloww]

Btw, before you send your letter of understanding, pm it to CM or someone else in this thread (I could do it but I don't always login) to make sure you aren't missing anything. We will edit the letter for you.

[yelloww]

Also, you need to think of this as a game of chess.

They made a move (by letting the food into the classroom without notice)

You made a move (by meeting with them today)

They made a move (by threatening to expose private medical information and telling you what he is NOT elligible for with accommodations even though no formal 504 paperwork was signed/written)

Now it is your move.

Do NOT be reactive. Do your research here in the schools forum (and the subforum). Give us every question you have. Figure out your plan.

THEN make your next move. And make it so that it is one where they very quickly realize that the law is on your side.

Especially in WA. Especially after Nathan Waters. We all know his name here.

Don't go to the media. And be careful about withholding attendance. If you have to, people here can pm you about it. There can be consequences for that as well.

Basically you want this to go your way without escalating it into a huge fight. Do that the same way you would win a game of chess: wit, research, intellect, and calculated moves.

[lakeswimr]

Can you get a doctor's note saying your child's classroom should be free of allergens because your child is contact reactive?

Ditto the not going to the media.  Would not help your case.  I would consider hiring a food allergy advocate if I were you.

[yellow]

Oh and you may want to change your screen name to something more generic in case your district does any googling about FA's and schools. This site is one of the first to come up.

[AllergyMum]

I live in Canada so I can not help with any advice on the US's 504 process, but I did want to offer you a BIG HUG of support.  I know that this is a very difficult time for you and your family, but you are a Mum and Mum's can and will do everything to make a great life for our kids.  Keep working towards the creation the school environment that works for your family.

[LianneV]

Thank you everyone so much.  My family and friends are supportive but they are just as much in the dark as I am with all this, so it's great to have people who are much more in the know, although sad that we all have to deal wtih this.
When I got home from picking up DS this afternoon (btw I saw the principal and district nurse in a meeting with a woman, might be coincidence but maybe not) anyway, I realized I had a message on my home which I never checked.  Turns out the head nurse left me a message at around the time I was taking Ds to school.  Asked if I could stop in today cause she "felt bad that I left feeling uncomfortable" and her heart goes out to me so she "did some research" and has some options for me that might make me feel better.  Of course by the time I heard the message it was too late, but I wonder why the research wasn't done before the meeting.
Thank you all for the advice about not going to the media, I never even thought of it htat way so I will be steering clear of that path.
His allergist is writing a letter for me before my meeting on Tuesday with the woman in charge of the school's district's special needs (again I think that who it is) I did specify that it needs to say allergens can't be in his classroom. 
One school here in washington just pulled kiwi out cause a child who is highly allergic had a reaction while  in a "safe area" yet they just don't get it.
I agree that I need to be careful and not rush back in there.  So here are my questions.
as I said at the meeting the principal said she'd be happy to write a 504 plan but will not write in an accomodation for not having peanut products in the classroom.  I have the doctor writing the letter but then what?  What is a letter of understanding? She didn't question his eligibility just refused that accomodation, so how do I get him a plan if she refuses to write it in? What do I do now?
Do I bring up the names of children like Nathan Walters?  Will that make them take me serious?  It's pathetic how terrified schools are of lawsuits yet they're willing to risk my son safety, don't they think I'd sue them then?
I keep going over the meeting and getting more annoyed.  The nurse used the words "fatal reaction" like it's some clinical thing and I keep thinking, that means I will be burying my son, so don't make it seem like it's some foreign concept that doesn't mean anything.