All alone at the allergy table

[fluffy]

Hi, everyone!

I was hoping that someone here might be able to help me out.  My DD is in 1st grade this year.  Her allergist told us that she should sit at a peanut free/dairy free table this year during lunch.  He said he doesn't normally advise for a dairy free table, but thinks that she should have one because she has a history of anaphalaxsis from exposure  to very small amounts of dairy.  The school has been very open and helpful.  The problem is that no one sits with her.  She has sat alone every single day since school has started.  I've suggested that she ask a friend if they could plan to sit with her, but she won't do it.  I think that she's scared of being rejected. 

Any suggestions? 
Thanks for the help!

[my3guys]

I think the teacher should be facilitating this. My ds was allergic to dairy in first grade too...it's really tough at that age. He sat at on free table only at that time.

Few questions: do they eat snack? Where?

You'll definitely need parents on board to pack a dairy free lunch. It's doable but challenging for people unaware of allergies.

Do you think it would work for her to sit at end of peanut freer table?

How well so you know other parents? How good is she about managing her allergies? I realize she's very young. Would she refrain from eating others food? Is contact with dairy a concern?

Sorry so many questions. But if you're comfortable answering I may be able to help you more:)

[CMdeux]

I agree that this should be facilitated by adults-- not brokered by your DD...  my goodness, I'd be afraid of rejection, too!!

[hedgehog]

Yes.  The teacher or whatever adult is present when they eat should maybe ask whose lunch is free of the allergens in question, and suggest that student eat at the table with her.  She should not be subjected to that kind of isolation.

[hedgehog]

Oh, I forgot to mention that my DS, when he was in the older elementary grades really enjoyed the peanut free table.  Because students were required to sit with their own class.  His best friend was in another class, but could join DS at the peanut free table.  So he actually got a special privilege sitting with who he wanted to.

[fluffy]

Thank you all so much for the quick and thoughtful replies!

To answer a few questions:

Her school has combined the peanut free table and the dairy free table.  I know that she is not the only peanut allergic kid in 1st grade (at least one other in her classroom), but none of the other kiddos sit at the table.  I'm not sure why. 

They eat their snacks in the classroom.  The teacher sent out a list of suggested snacks that were dairy and peanut free.  There were some problems the first few days of school (growing pains), but it seems to be improving.

She's very aware of her allergies and what is safe for her and what's not safe.  She's really good about not accepting food from people and things like that.  She does, however, have considerable anxiety when she's around people who are eating her allergens (understandably so).  She has not been contact reactive in the past, but she has had reactions that required epi from very small amounts.  We worry about spilled milk or yogurt, cheesy powder, etc.  I'm not sure she could stay safe (or sane) with seven 6year olds eating pizza and drinking milk.  It's a very dairy oriented school.  Yogurt is served every single day.

Honestly, she's just not used to being around milk and peanuts.  We avoid them when we can.  Maybe we need to "practice" eating them around her more frequently?  I don't know.

She loves school and is very social and outgoing, but there's a lot of stress at the same time.   She is just so frustrated over her allergies right now.  She just wants to fit in.

I think that I will contact her teacher over the weekend and talk to her about helping out.  We met before school started and talked at length about the importance of inclusion.  I hope that her teacher will be able to do something.    She shouldn't have to be singled out like this. 

I feel like I'm trying to ride a fine line between being being an effective advocate for my daughter and micromanaging.  Do you know what I mean? 

[momma2boys]

This more than anything really angers me. I walked in on one of the first couple days of school and saw my ds sitting alone and wanted to cry. Why does any adult feel this is ok?? Definitely contact the teacher. If that doesn't work, go higher up. This breaks my heart every time I hear about it.

[yelloww]

This happened to my ds in first grade for the whole school year. Ds is allergic to peanuts, dairy, egg, hazlenuts and a number of of fruits/vegs. He sat with one other student and if that student was absent (bc that student had more medical issues than just PA) then ds was by himself. I tried all year to let them invite someone to the table and the school didn't want that because they were terrified that ds would have a reaction at school.

The saddest part of ds' day was lunch. It was ostracizing and exclusionary for him. It got to the point where he didn't want to go to school because of lunch. (And he's a bright kid who usually likes school, so this was really bad.)   They'd do birthdays in the cafeteria (yay for that) but he'd sit there usually by himself and get nothing because no one thought to include him or tell me when the birthday was.

He is VERY social, so this stung. It was safety over inclusion that year and it left a bad taste for both of us with the school because of it. When he started trying to refuse to go to school and fake illnesses because of lunchtime, I knew we had to do something. I didn't want this to permanently tarnish his enthusiasm for school, and it could have if it continued.

We moved the next year to a new district in a different state. The first thing I did was make sure in his 504 that he could sit where ever he wished. I figured where we don't wipe down movie theater seats or restaurant tables, then he could sit in the cafeteria where he wanted to also. He does have some contact reactions here and there from dairy (and hazlenut coffee randomly), but they are minor and only result in located hives.

In his case, the risk at the regular table has been worth the reward for us. Ds has a great group of friends that he's sat with at lunch for years. He's now going into 8th grade and some of the "lunch bunch" friends are boys who he became friends with in his 2nd grade class when they all sat together at lunch back then. He's been sitting with the same core group of boys every year at lunch since I made that change in the cafeteria when we moved here back when he was 8. (He's 13 now.)

There are times where dumb things happen- like milk spills, or someone horsing around with food (middle school hormonal boys) , but they are rare (maybe once every other year) instances and ds advocates for himself with his friends. His friends care about him so usually they are good about the food stuff in the cafeteria.

I'm telling you our story because changing things for ds in the cafeteria in second grade made a huge difference in the quality of his life at school over the years. That's how he found his buddies. At this rate, he's probably going to be sitting with these same boys at lunch until they all leave for college.

I wasn't sure at 8yrs old that ds had all of the skills needed to advocate with his friends, nor did I think that the other 8 year olds could stay out of his space at lunch. The school nurse and lunch ladies were a big help in supporting us with this. He had a set seat at their table at the end and for the first year, no one was allowed to sit next to him if they had peanuts in their lunch. That helped to create the "let's keep ds safe so he can sit with us" atmosphere at the table. The kids didn't mind at all.


When ds was in 3rd grade, there was a bubble of kindy kids w/FA's starting at his school. (Ds is an island for MFA's here in our district- most are younger, so we break in the staff here.) The school nurse decided that everyone needed their own safe space in the cafeteria regardless of their allergen, so the allergic younger students have large laminated placemats with their names on them. There are cleaning procedures for the placemats too. That way the students have their own spaces at either then pn free table or at a regular table depending on the parent preference.

I don't know if any of this would work in your situation, but I wanted to give you something to chew on as she gets older.

Can they put a desk at the end of a regular table just for her so she can sit with the group but have her own safe space?  I really feel for you. BTDT and my best advice is to NOT let it go the whole year like this if you can in any way possible. 

[Andiamo]

This is illegal.  Segregation due to disability is illegal just as segregation due to race is.  The law sees it the same way.  I would approach it from that angle.  They tried to do this to my daughter as well, but after I asked them if they put all the African American kids at their own table, or all the Catholic kids at their own table, they were horrified and said "of course not".  After I informed them that the law sees segregation due to disability the same way, that put a stop to it.  I never can understand how people are so aware that it is illegal to segregate due to race, yet so unaware that it is illegal to segregate due to disability.  The school is legally obligated to find a safe way around your child having to eat alone.

[fluffy]

As an update: 

I think this is going to be a process. 

I spoke with her teacher, both in an email and in person.  The teacher seemed a little put off by my request for help.  Teacher wanted to make an announcement in the class, but I said no to that.  We need to find a discreet solution to this that doesn't put my daughter on the spot.  She already feels isolated and different.  Making an announcement would horrify her.

I think that Teacher felt that their hands were tied when I said no to the announcement.  So, the teacher tried to put the responsibility back onto my daughter, saying that she is going to have to learn how to deal with this because this is going to be her reality throughout school.  Yes, this is her reality.  But, that attitude makes me furious, just furious.  She is 6years old.  Her reality is that she is surrounded on a daily basis by things that would kill her and she is expected (by the adults that are supposed to be caring for her) to smile and be OK with that.  How can someone learn if they don't feel safe?  How can someone that young thrive if they feel that they don't have adults that they can trust to help them?  The adults in her life are there to help her to navigate this reality and to teach her appropriate ways of dealing with that stress.   Left to her own devices, she will deal with it on her own, but she does not have the maturity to cope in effective ways.

I think that because we have requested a safe table, the teacher feels that this is a problem of our own creation.

I requested a meeting later this week to brainstorm more appropriate ideas. 

[CMdeux]

I think that you've handled it well.   Yes, it's a process-- and it sounds as though the teacher has either not fully grasped the level of risk and WHY she is seated away from her allergens...  or that the teacher is frankly a bit clueless/callous.

I suspect the former unless there is evidence for the latter.  Usually you can tell when the light goes on about the risk, because people develop a look of sheer unmitigated terror at least momentarily, when they realize that this is flirting with actual, real-- death.  In a child.

Does your child understand that you are "working to make this better" for her?  If not, I think that I'd tell her so.   

[Macabre]

Please start reading about 504 plans here if your child does not have one. Otherwise you'll be negotiating these kinds if things all year, every year. Even with a 504, it's not a walk in the park. But it can help you and the school plan for a safe AND inclusive education.

[my3guys]

I just asked both my kids how their teachers have handled the allergy table.  One is older and sits at the regular table now.  The other is young, and at the pn free table.  They both said the teacher would ask kids if people had nuts in their lunches (they think publicly) and found people to sit at the table.  With time, both kids made friends who happily packed safe lunches and sat with them.

I understand how it could feel mortifying to your dd.  I can also understand that with the hectic school day with teachers that she doesn't know how to quickly, accurately assess who can sit with her without making an announcement.

Would they be willing to send a letter home to parents explaining the nut free table, and asking for parents help?  Taken from our food allergy letter that I just picked up "During lunch we will continue the practice of having a nut-free table.  If your child has a friend with a nut allergy and you send a note to his/her homeroom teacher guaranteeing that your child will carry a safe, nut-free lunch to school, he/she may sit at the nut free table.  A list of those who are expected and permitted to sit at that table will be available in the cafeteria.  We sincerely hope that some parents will consider this option so that students with nut allergies do not have to sit by themselves!"

Now switching gears back to your dd, would you/your allergist feel comfortable with making the lunch table free of liquid milk/yogurt only?  And allowing cheese and other items with dairy as ingredients?  I'm only asking because I think you'd get more volunteers to sit with your dd that way as long as she'd be safe. Many parents find it hard to pack a nut-free lunch (although I think it's not), but packing a dairy free lunch is more challenging.

As for the teacher, try to assume she's overwhelmed with the start of school, and the table is another thing on her long list of to-dos to sort  out, as opposed to she has a personal problem with having to manage this.  As I've gotten to know teachers, I've seen how stressed they are at the beginning.  She may be afraid for your dd's safety as well, but doesn't want to voice it to make you more afraid.  Little ones with anaphylactic milk allergies is definitely frightening for both teachers and parents.  I've been there. 

I also think it's a good idea to eat some milk allergens around your dd like you posted.  It could potentially help ease her anxiety in the cafeteria.  And I would explain to her why you are doing it too.  In an age appropriate way, get her opinions and understanding of the situation so she knows you are working on a solution with the teacher so she doesn't sit alone.  A few years back, when the lunch table was becoming harder for my ds socially, I talked to his dr at mt. Sinai about it during an appt.  He quickly got my approval and before DS could think about it, he smeared peanut butter on his back to show him he would be ok.  It made a huge difference with his anxiety level in the cafeteria.  Now of course, if contact is a problem for your dd, then that's a different issue altogether.

With our school, finding the buddies at lunch is always the toughest at the beginning while everyone's adjusting.  At first, I found teachers felt safer without a lot of kids at the pn free table while they get their bearings and learn all the allergy kids' faces etc.  A few weeks in, it seemed to get easier.

And there's my 2 cents. More like 4 cents since it's a long post. Hope it helped!

[fluffy]

I really do think that this teacher is trying and is just overwhelmed.  I think that this is the first experience with serious dairy allergies.  But, I can guarantee this will not be the last experience.  My hope is that once we work out this bump in the road,  we'll have a better understanding of one another and future issues will be more easily resolved.

The principal called me this morning to talk about this.  I really feel that this person gets it, both from a professional level and a personal level.  We talked for a long time and I feel like we are on the same page.  I wanted to stress that I felt we needed to work as a team to help my daughter feel safe and also included.  I stressed that she is still very young and is working out how to advocate for herself.  I can't do it all by myself.  I'm not there. My daughter needs to understand that she has other grown ups that she can trust to look out for her. 

In response to this, the principal said "She can't feel ready to learn if she doesn't feel safe and included." 

YES!  That's it exactly!!!  I almost cried.

We floated some ideas around and we're both going to think about it until the meeting later this week.  But, we have a safe plan in place for the next couple of days. 

I'm going to bring up some of the ideas that you all have given.  I really like some of them. Thank you all so much. The collective experience of this group is invaluable.   

I'll be looking more deeply at 504 plans this week.  I really don't want to have to start from scratch every single year.  There is not enough chocolate in the world to ease this stress.

[fluffy]

"During lunch we will continue the practice of having a nut-free table.  If your child has a friend with a nut allergy and you send a note to his/her homeroom teacher guaranteeing that your child will carry a safe, nut-free lunch to school, he/she may sit at the nut free table.  A list of those who are expected and permitted to sit at that table will be available in the cafeteria.  We sincerely hope that some parents will consider this option so that students with nut allergies do not have to sit by themselves!"

I love this.  I really do. 
I have wondered if any of the parents know that there is even a safe table available for the food allergic kids.  First graders don't typically choose their own lunches.  The kids aren't packing peanut butter and yogurt.  The parents are.  If some of them knew, maybe they could arrange for safe choices so friends could sit together.