angry, angry, angry vent

[suevv]

My son is at a nut free preschool.  Hooray!  Unfortunately he is allergic to nuts, peanuts AND milk and eggs.  Doing nicely on baked egg/dairy but still can't have straight dairy in things like . . . . frosting.

His school typically allows no sugary treats.  As a holiday thing they baked cookies and unbeknownst to me, one of the teachers brought in frosting.  And it had dairy in it.  No I'm not angry yet.  It happens.  They read the label - YAY!  Told DS he could not have frosting.  YAY for taking care of him, but DS was sad.

When I pick him up, there is no note or mention of this.  But he is being a little jerk.  I finally pull the car over and say "What's up buddy?  Did something bad happen at school today?"  Out comes the whole story, along with a report that one of the other kids was taunting him about his allergies. He is sad and angry.  Now I'm starting to get a little angry - but still, it happens.

DS and I talked and hugged and we made some frosting and cookies, and even took some to the neighbors.  DS also asked if I could buy some frosting and take it to school "so that never happens again."  I promise I will and he goes to bed happy.

I went in this morning to let the teachers know what happened and drop off the backup frosting.  Now I get angry:

Me: "Why wasn't I told this was happening?" 
Teacher: "Oh we don't usually have frosting but one of the teachers brought it in spur of the moment. Besides, he is usually pretty good when he can't have what the other kids are having."
Me:  Yes - but that is at lunch, not when you are having the rare and special treat of cookies with holiday frosting.
Teacher:  Oh.  Still, he had some of the sprinkles.
Me:  I think he was also upset because one of the other children taunted him.
Teacher:  Well we can't monitor everything during an event like this.  We have our hands full.
Me:  He was very upset.
Teacher:  Well he is often upset and he gives as good as he gets as far as the other kids go [we have been having issues with hitting].  We do the best we can with him you know.
Me - rather coldly:  I was not suggesting otherwise.  But this is an entirely different issue.  I do not want his food allergies disregarded because of other issues in the classroom. 
Teacher - attempting to pat me on the back:  Oh don't get upset.  It's all right.

It went on from there, and I won't drag this out any longer.  But I am seething.  Teacher was totally unapologetic and never even acknowledged that there had been a problem. 

My son IS having trouble with being rough at the school - though he does not have this trouble at home or on play dates or even at birthday parties with kids from the school.  We are working hard with him and the school, and have never tried to lay blame on them.  But right now - I'm thinking maybe they are contributing to the problem, not helping it get better.  They were just so callous about his food allergies.  I just want to march in there, wish a Joel Stein event upon each and every one of them, and take my son from them forever more.

I can't though, because I'm crying my head off and only have you guys to talk to.  So thanks for listening. 

Sue
P.S.  Yes - I'm looking into other schools starting right now.
   

[CMdeux]

Ouch.  yeah, being tortured by other children with the tacit permission of the adults in whom you are supposed to have complete faith and trust... yeah, that probably has NOTHING to do with uncharacteristically unacceptable behavior.  I'm sure.   







What a day.  I really hate the food-food-food at the holidays.  It's like it makes even adults lose their freaking minds. 

[GingerPye]

ummm, yeah.  I'd be looking for another preschool.

[MandCmama]

ugh! This sounds all too familiar.  And when we had the nerve to advocate for our children we were disenrolled. None of the other daycares/preschools in our area cut the mustard AND they all had horrid waiting lists.  I found a marvelous private sitter that only watches a handful of children and still manages to do educational and play activities (it helps that she was a preschool teacher pre children).

I pray that this nightmare has the same silver lining for you.  The place you're in (emotionally) right now is awful and I'm so sorry.

[Macabre]

Oh I'd be furious. 

Fast forward to a few years from now and with a 504 designation this could be a violation.  All of it.  Especially the bullying. 

Here's a tip for a hairstyle that will keep people from patting your head:

[hezzier]

Teacher:  Well we can't monitor everything during an event like this.  We have our hands full.

Umm, I'm sorry isn't that your job?  If you can't monitor everything during this event, then you shouldn't be having this event!  And if they aren't able to monitor behavior, how are they going to keep your FA child safe while one of his allergens is blatantly being served?

Sorry this is happening.

[Macabre]

Oooooh. Like.

[Carefulmom]

Teacher:  Well we can't monitor everything during an event like this.  We have our hands full.

Umm, I'm sorry isn't that your job?  If you can't monitor everything during this event, then you shouldn't be having this event!  And if they aren't able to monitor behavior, how are they going to keep your FA child safe while one of his allergens is blatantly being served?

Sorry this is happening.

I don`t see how they can be a licensed preschool if they "can`t monitor everything."  A four year old needs to be watched at all times anyhow to avoid accidents, injuries, etc.  Isn`t that a requirement to be licensed that the kids are supervised at all times?  If I did not have a food allergy child, I would still not want my child in a preschool where they "cannot monitor everything".  I would try to get something like that in writing and see what the licensing organization says about that.

[maeve]

Teacher: "Oh we don't usually have frosting but one of the teachers brought it in spur of the moment. Besides, he is usually pretty good when he can't have what the other kids are having."

OK, so this statement has really been bothering me.  I really wonder how often your child is excluded and how often food events are happening that you're not aware of.  I say this from experience.  I was not informed on at least two occasions when there was a class birthday in DD's kindergarten class; her teachers simply grabbed a safe snack from the safe snack bin.  I would have stayed up all night baking cupcakes for her to just have one so she could be like her peers but was denied the opportunity to do so because it was more convenient for the teacher and aide to exclude and grab the quick safe snack.

[CMdeux]

I'm glad that wasn't just me, maeve.

I thought that when I read that, too.  It definitely raised red flags.  As in-- Ohhhhhhhh.. so you have enough experience with this sort of thing to be capable of PREDICTING my child's response to being excluded.  SERIOUSLY?

What does that take?  An N of one?  Two?  I don't think so.  I'm guessing it's more like once a month.  Or more.

[ajasfolks2]

There is no "emergency need to feed" -- frosting or other foods.

There may be, however, an emergency need to call for ambulance and use epipen because some teacher was incapable of performing his/her duty of care.

Yes, I'd be finding a new preschool . . . sounds like there is way more going on here than staff is admitting to -- or even knowledgeable or qualified to recognize.

Geez, I'm sorry.

[stinky]

They don't deserve to know your son.


......


althought....sometimes it takes people a while to get it...

[ajasfolks2]

They don't deserve to know your son.


......


althought....sometimes it takes people a while to get it...

My bold & size added . . .

Hearing message myself.

Thank you, Stinky.

[suevv]

Hi all,

Just following up to thank you all for your replies.  We have had DS out of the school since the holidays and are starting a new school soon.  To Maeve's point:  they serve lunch at the school that he often can't have, and I always provide his food.  But your comment got me wondering - I'll bet you are right about special treat exclusions I am missing. 

Also - and this is relevant to any of you with FA preschoolers - you cannot believe what a difference there is in this kid after being aways from the school for a couple of weeks.  He is happy, relaxed, inquisitive, communicative in ways we had forgotten he could be!  My deep suspicion, based on some comments he has made, is that there was much more taunting/teasing going on that I suspected.  I had raised it a couple times with the teachers before.  They had not given my concern much credence, and I fear I had written it off as my son making excuses for his out of bounds behavior.  I wish I wish I wish we had never gone to this school in the first place.

The question I face now is whether it is worth it bringing all this up with the director.  I honestly don't know if she is interested in fixing anything.  But perhaps I should try.  There are other allergy kids there ....

As always - I count this group as one of the great resources and supports in my life.  Happy New Year to you all.  I wish that by the end of the year, none of you would need this board.  But thank god it's here.

Sue

[PurpleCat]

Good to read that you found a new school.  Even better that your child is doing better, sorry to know what he has been through.

As for the director, my experience is don't expect much - tolerated behavior comes from the top.

Happy New Year and Better Days!