What would you do? (Lunchroom Situation)

[ctmartin]

Hi, All,

It's been awhile since I visited but I know I can always get sound advice here and I'm just wondering what you all might think of this.  My daughter is almost 7 years old and in 1st grade.  This is her 2nd year at the school and I have had no complaints thus far.  I have always believed that (1) they take her allergy seriously and do everything they can to protect her (the only accommodations we have in place is that our daughter cannot eat next to someone consuming her allergens and that kids wash their hands after lunch, which they were already doing before we got there) and (2) they truly try to minimize instances of food in the classroom.

So, this is the situation ... I was at her school the other day during lunchtime when I noticed that it *appeared* that her best friend was eating a PBJ.  I really meant to say something but I figured that I was just mistaken (given the accommodation we have in place), and simply got busy and forgot about it.  Mind you, this is her BEST friend and they are absolutely inseparable at school, although they do not have much of a relationship outside of school (she has 3 brothers and sisters and her mom works full time, so I have only met her on a couple of occasions).

Well, sometime between then and now my daughter mentioned that her BF said something along the lines of "I wish you didn't have that allergy" and I said, "Oh, is that because you can't sit next to each other?"  She said that she didn't know why her friend had said that, but that they do, in fact, sit next to each other even when she has PN (she obviously knew this was not allowed, and looked very guilty, poor thing).

To be honest, I never even imagined this scenario, naively enough.  I figured that when my daughter got to the point where she had someone that she would want to sit next to ALL THE TIME, that that person would understand that it was necessary not to have PN in order to sit next to her and that would be that.

Obviously, I am more that a little disappointed in the school, but on the same note, I don't know how I would feel about them separating my daughter from her best friend anyway (especially since I am sure that if, given the choice, the little girl would chose my daughter over PN, but her mom either doesn't know or doesn't care).

Any experiences you can share or thoughts, feelings and comments would be greatly appreciated.  I am obviously leaning toward nixing the whole accommodation now, since they don't seem to be following it and if they were, my daughter would be heartbroken not to be able to sit next to her friend.  The only background I can give you regarding my daughter's sensitivity level is that she has never had a reaction to her allergens (PN/sesame) except when she has consumed them (not so much as even a contact reaction, even though her school/classroom are not allergen free).

Sorry so long, and thanks!

[ajasfolks2]

I know for our ana-contact son who also had issues with self-control (as did MOST of his classmates, esp at that age . . . and older . . . ) we couldn't have him sitting right next to a PB eating student, buddy or not.

Lots to consider -- age, self-control, ana-contact or not for history & indications, supervision from adult/qualified staff, handwashing, the OTHER child and same . . .

Risk-taking or NOT following rules is not a surprise at that age -- very young.

Can you go observe without the kids knowing you are there, just to get more intel?

[ajasfolks2]

OH yeah -- who has epipens?  Does child have them on?  Self-carry already in place?

Just more to consider . . .

Who was supposed to be the "enforcer" or supervision as to this "not next to me" PB rule?

Cannot count on a child at that age, generally, to do this, IMHO.

Of course, everybody's kiddo is different! 

[TabiCat]

YUCK this allergy never stops presenting us with sticky situations does it? I am not sure what to suggest, honestly. My seven year old has the same rule and so far as I know this has not been an issue as of yet. Keeping in mind MY seven year-old has no real control over what I pack in his lunch so it might not be the FRIEND who doesn't understand the importance of not bringing PB.  Safety is safety but at the same time I see it from the child's view. Even though they are at school together the time available to simple socialize is very limited. I feel so sad she is in this situation but I don't see that you can let an important safety issue slide.   

[yelloww]

Is she contact reactive?

My ds started sitting at the regular table in 2nd grade with his friends. He's in 6th now. I'm sure he sits next to people with pb probably more often than I want to know. 

In elem school, he would sit at the end seat of the class table. He has other food allergies, so the pn free table was just as allergic as any other table was. He's happier socializing anyway. He was with two other kids in 1st grade at a separate table, felt completely left out, and then tried to avoid going to school so he wouldn't have to deal with the cafeteria. So when we moved at the end of 1st grade, I put him at the regular table for 2nd grade. His friends, even with their allergic lunches, were never an issue for him in the cafeteria. He sits with the same kids in MS and it is still fine. We have more trouble on the BUS than we do in the caf.

Maybe just moving her to and end seat and having the friend sit across from her would work? The end seat would reduce the number of people with pn around her (and really so the aides can see her). Could that be enough? I really don't know because I went into 2nd grade telling them that ds was sitting at the regular table.

It is a tough balance between safety and friends- that line always seems to be shifting as they grow up... 

[Macabre]

Just thinking about the future and not trying to distract, but have you thought about accommodations for field trips in the future?  They started to take more in 3rd grade when DS was in elem.  Just something to ponder this year as she gets older so you can have some ideas in your hip pocket.

[eragon]

on the other hand......... i bet this has happened all along, and yet, any reactions?
if questioned how does your daughter avoid a reaction in this situation?
  does her friend understand not to touch her while eating pb or after?  is this comment by her friend a reflection of a conversation about this?
what does your daughter want to do about this situation? Is she happy with her lunch times now as they are?
Is your daughter confidant to ask for help if she reacts?

This is why health plans are and should be individual imo.

my son would sit next to someone eating a food he was allergic to, but it depended on the person. He sat with friends who in the main part understood. He did have a issue with one child , but he choose to play with them but not eat sitting next to him.  He had more issues with the 'stupid' adults around him.

[momma2boys]

Lunch is such a pain!  It is the most social time of the day and are kids are already excluded from so much.  You really hate to separate them from friends at lunch.  Maybe you could go in at lunchtime and see exactly how things are being handled.  If the other girl sits across from her and then washes her hands immediately when she is done?  Also your dd would have to make sure they don't pass any toys or pens etc. back and forth and not touch the table where she is. 

Perhaps after all this the kid will decide it is easier to just not eat pb for lunch and ask mom to pack her something else.

[ctmartin]

Hi, Everyone,

Thanks for all of your input!  Lots to think about, for sure!!  This is a VERY small school (K-8 is 100 students), and there are only 14 kids in her class.  Lunch is a total of less than 50 kids (there are two periods) with 3 teachers and an aide presiding (at minimum).  The teacher is especially aware of my daughter's allergy, which is what makes this so perplexing.  I can understand and appreciate her not wanting to separate the two, but I am surprised that she would not come to me first to ask how I felt about it.  She is the one, I assume, that would enforce, although, again, small school with very few allergies so I know that all of the teachers are aware and watching out for her.

I agree ... this has probably happened more times than I care to ponder at the moment.  However, the bottom line is we haven't had any reactions (knock wood), and I am striving for the least possible accommodations given our reaction history.

Before this, I would have said that my daughter is VERY cautious and not prone to risk taking, especially given her ana rx 6 months ago (complete with epi and ER).  She has been extremely cautious since then, and I have seen her on many different occasions refuse food (if she wasn't sure I had checked the labels) in a very responsible way, not wanting her classmates to "see her go through that."

The kids do wash their hands after lunch, and I know that this girl is responsible and would not put my daughter in harm's way.  The epis are less than 50 feet away (as I said, very small school), and I know, given past experience, that my daughter would tell her teacher if she weren't feeling right (immediately following her reaction last spring there were several instances where she was being paranoid, understandably so, and told the teacher she wasn't feeling well, even though there were no symptoms).

SO ... I like the idea spying on her, and I plan to do this soon.  The school has a very open door policy and parents are encouraged to eat lunch with their kiddos, so it would not look out of the ordinary for me to be there (and my daughter is still at the age where she would love it!)

Eragon ... you are so right about who is sitting next to her.  I feel weird backpedaling now, saying it is OK for her to sit next to someone consuming her allergens because it DOES depend on the person.  I trust her friend ... she cares about my daughter, is one of the oldest in the class and also one of the most mature ... but there are lots of kids that I wouldn't feel the same way about if they were sitting next to her, so it is going to be hard to say anything to the school one way or the other.  Also you provided great questions for a much needed discussion with my daughter ... thanks.

Macabre ... Field trips haven't been a problem to date, and they actually take quite a few.  I am the class mom and often accompany her, and there haven't been any that have required transport yet (the school is actually located downtown, so most of the field trips to date have been within walking distance).  I know that will change, but I trust the school to do whatever I need them to do (including allowing me to attend any and all trips), so I am not too concerned at this point (but we shall see).

[becca]

Is there any potential to asking parents not to send in PB for lunches?  At our school, it was large enough that dd had a PN free table, but many kids were there, and they did not have to have PA, just had to have a PN free lunch.  Lunch seating was assigned.  And it was periodically mixed up.  If your child was assigned to the PN free table, a not comes home requesting no nutty items in the  lunch.  Now, I am not sure how well policed it is beyond that, but my dd according to my dd the kids were aware and supportive.  her bff gets mad at her mom when she goofs and packs Nutella or granolas with nuts.  They are now 13, though, so it does not really matter to us(dd has had no reactions in school, and now sits wherever she wants). 

I would ask the teacher about the situation, in a non-threatening way, if you can.  So you can discuss it and not get a knee-jerk reaction that ends with separating the girls.  Maybe they can try to address it with the other parent.  The issue I see is the slippery slope.  If other kids eat PB near her, who are less careful, more messy, etc... 

Our school had no nuts allowed in classrooms, and no nuts are allowed in lunches on field trips for ds's class at present.  My ds does not have allergies, but that accomodation is for children in his class.