Need Help from You Kind Folks ...

[ctmartin]

Hi, Everyone,

I am seeing red right now, and this has been building since Valentine's Day when I let something go that I probably shouldn't have.  Now I cannot sit by and stay silent any longer, but I came here first to calm down and gather my thoughts (thanks, guys! )

My daughter's school has strict rules about both candy in school and BD celebrations.  Last year we did not have a single problem, but this year there have been little things here and there, but nothing like what has gone on now twice in one month.  And frankly, my daughter is getting to an age where the exclusion is bothering her MORE, not less, as she strives to be like everyone else.

So, 1st instance ... Valnetine's Day ... the teacher and I chatted about what may happen.  She had mentioned that someone asked if she could bring in cupcakes (they did not have a class party), and while the teacher did not tell the parent they could not, she did tell her that anything brought in would be sent home with the kids at the end of the day.  Great, right?  Candy wasn't even an issue, as she told me any candy would also be sent home, as per the school rules pertaining to candy.

Well, lo and behold ... and I have NO idea what happened (did she crack under the kids' pressure?!) ... she "allowed" each child to enjoy one piece of candy at school.  Yep, that's right ... while my daughter sat and watched.

Well, I never said anything, even though I really wanted to (and probably should have).  I tried to chalk it up as an egregious one-off and hope she had just made a bad judgement call.  Fast forward to today, there was a birthday in the class.  Birthdays are to be celebrated on the 2nd Friday of the month for all kids having a birthday that month ... AS PER THE SCHOOL RULES!!!!!  This teacher allowed the child's parent to bring in cupcakes and serve them to the class while my daughter just sat there and watched yet again.

This is unnecessary exclusion and I am FED UP!  I understand she was put in a difficult position, but SHE IS THE TEACHER and, if anything, she has the (useless) school rules to back her up (useless, of course, if they are not enforced).  It's not anyone's problem if these parents are too stupid to follow the rules or, better yet, if they choose to ignore them.  Rules are rules (aren't they?!)

So ... how do I move forward without completely ruining mine and my daughter's relationship with her teacher, yet letting her know that I will absolutely not tolerate another instance like this again?  Please advise, if possible, or at least tell me if you think a letter is justified.

Thanks, as always!!

[CMdeux]

Yes, letter.

Yes, calm down first (you knew this... but I'm telling you to listen to that particular angel of your better nature right now).

Yes, it's escalating (you know, since "it wasn't a big deal" on V-Day, the teacher is now exploring some wiggle room in this new-found space around the rules)  <SIGH>

I'd make it a "Hey, what's changed, here?  I'm CONFUSED...." kind of letter-- one that documents BOTH instances very clearly, and explains briefly that you let the first thing go because you:  a) weren't sure how to handle it, b) didn't want to make a big deal over what seemed to just be an extraordinary thing on one of the two biggest candy-days of the school year, and c) weren't sure that it WAS a big deal-- to your DD.

Now, of course, there is a new pattern emerging.  You are concerned.  You'd like CLARIFCATION from the teacher.   Oh, and also mention that this is really distressing to your DD-- and that she reports "sitting and watching and feeling awkward."

Friendly and non-accusatory, but inquisitive and concerned.  That's probably the attitude to shoot for here.

[ctmartin]

Perfect, CM ... just what I needed to hear!  Thanks!!

[twinturbo]

Dunno if this helps at all but I address it almost always as "follow up" as in I'm following up on an open matter, following up on an instance, following up on WTH happened the other day I thought we were cool. It's nice neutral casual business speak and in cases where you have to keep neutrality, semantics and approach can be weighty on the opening. For me the worst was the email titles because it's the first thing the recipient sees attached to your name and email address, and I want mine to get read in a timely manner rather than avoided. I think if you ever find yourself floundering for an opener or an empty email subject field follow up on _______ should get the job done on tone.

[ctmartin]

thanks, you two!  i ended up writing an e-mail to her last night, *mostly* neutral tone, asking to reiterate policies.  before i could hear back from her, i saw her and we spoke for 5-10 minutes.  i could tell how sorry she was, did not get defensive AT ALL, but instead said that it was poor judgement on her part, and promised to enforce the school rules from here on out.  whew.

[CMdeux]

Wait and see-- and be ready with a letter of understanding.

In fact, my general strategy at this point is to SEND one-- in the guise of a "thanks so much for all your help" note about the conversation, of course.     No reason why a letter of understanding cannot also be cordial.

[ctmartin]

agreed!  thanks!!

[twinturbo]

Since you're sending a LOU anyhow one add-on I'd suggest from recent repeated experience is when teacher enforcing treat policy properly shes cites exactly that: school policy. Not we can't
have treats because Student Jane or Joe is allergic. It's bizarre that DS1's teacher does that because the rabid no nut policy was effected long before we ever even applied to the school. I'm also inclined to point out that by excluding her during the break in policy it outed her medically through actions if not words. Unfortunately, I don't think there's any happy way to put that I just make it a firm, yet polite reminder.