Letting go...

[nonuteen]

My PA/TNA daughter is a few weeks from 17 and a senior in HS.  We are struggling with her wanting more independence and me, well...me, being worried and afraid to let go.  She wants to go to concerts and amusement parks with friends and I am a nervous wreck.  I hate saying no out of fear but that is exactly what I have been doing.  She feels that every bit of independence she gets is a struggle (it is!). 
My husband believes that we have taught her everything we can to keep her safe allergy wise and now we have to trust that she will make the right choices. 
He feels I am being a bit irrational and is pressuring me to allow her to do more.
Sigh...sooo much easier said than done.
She keeps reminding me that a year from now she will going off to college and "doing whatever she wants" so I  should allow her a bit more freedom now as she feels I am currently doing is saying No and pushing her away.
I think we all have valid points and understand everyone's point of view but I'm an absolute wreck when it comes to letting go a bit.  This feels like such a huge responsibility for a teenage girl and being a teenager without allergies is struggle enough!!
I have felt like this at every stage (starting K, starting middle school, sleepovers etc) but am finding this situation is our hardest yet. 
How have those with teenagers (esp. college aged) dealt with this?? 

[eragon]

I have the opposite problem as son is not that social. However, he does go out with friends, and gets his own food at when out.

I cope by remembering that his chances of survival are greatest if he is more independant, and holding him back wont help.

I still worry, but he always  copes better if I just let him get on with it.

[GoingNuts]

My boys are almost 23 and 19, so I most definitely feel your pain.

I have struggled mightily with balancing my own anxiety and need for control with their need for independence and autonomy.  The fact that neither of them are terribly compliant personalities, LOL, has sort of helped this process along.  The fact that I was very independent at a very early age also helped me, because FA's aside, I had that model in my head - ie, what age is appropriate to ride subways alone, go out with friends unsupervised, etc.

I have to tell you that your DD is right.  This is the year for her to learn with you nearby for guidance, rather than next year when  she will be going off to college with no supervision whatsoever.  It's like teaching our kids to drive.  We don't just hand them the keys and wave good bye, they learn little by little with us sitting next to them.  Then, when they get their license, we don't just let them drive X-country the first week, they build up to it, KWIM?

Is she experienced at calling restaurants and manufacturers if she has a question?  If not, this is the year to teach her.  If you eat out, does she talk to the server/manager about her allergies, or do you?

Does she know where she's going to college yet?  Has she met with the food service director?

As far as handling your own emotions, if you really can't let go, I would honestly suggest some therapy.  It really is essential for their development that they have that independence; your DD is acting completely age appropriately.   Would you consider yourself an anxious person in general, or is it just this issue that ties you in knots? 

It is hard for anyone to understand the kind of fear and pressure we live with every day, and how unrelenting it is.  I will say that as hard as those first few months of independence are for us to deal with, it does get easier over time.  I can't say that I don't have my moments of absolute panic, but it's not as constant as it used to be.  But I'm a mom, and no matter how old he is, when he calls and tells me about some upcoming plans my first thought will always be, "What about the food?".   

[Macabre]

My son is 15 and this year we've let him go to an amusement park, the movies, Mall of America and several parties. He rides the train downtown for dance classes.  Next year he will be traveling with the speech team.   <gulp>

It's been hard at times, but we've gone out to eat a lot over the years intentionally to help him prepare. He feels comfortable walking out of a restaurant or just ordering a coke if need be.

He has developed confidence in making choices, and we want to make sure he gets plenty of practice before college.

If you don't give chances for independence now, she may not be as skilled at making good choices when she graduates.  She may also resent you and fly too far--it's happened with friends of mine.

GN was right. It's hard. But important.

[CMdeux]

Yup.  Hard but crucial.

No matter how reasonable and valid your concerns-- no matter how rational your worries are...

your child must be trusted with his/her own care at some point. 


Right??

So this is what I ask myself:

if not now-- when?

Mostly, the answer is... "I don't know-- I don't want to think about that," which is my cue that it's my own irrational fears.  Now, there are some things where the answer is "NEVER.  DUH."

But my DD14 knows what those things are, and she has never given us reason to think that her judgment or assertiveness would fail if presented with one of those things.

She has excellent judgment.  She has demonstrated that.

I do worry because of her reaction history.  If she were not so rapidly incapacitated... if she didn't present so atypically (usually not GI or cutaneous symptoms until she's into grade IV-V elsewhere)...   but still.  I can't keep her little forever, and I don't want to.  I'm proud of her growing independence, and the lovely young woman she is becoming.  It would be a sin of massive proportions to try to turn a Sequoia into a Bonsai just so that I could keep it in the house and protect it.  KWIM?

DD packs food everywhere-- and has gotten used to NOT eating out (which is higher risk) when other factors make a reaction less likely to be treated promptly and aggressively. 

[Macabre]

The Auvi Q has made this easier for us. It gives audio instructions for administration of epinephrine! 

[CMdeux]

I have struggled mightily with balancing my own anxiety and need for control with their need for independence and autonomy.  The fact that neither of them are terribly compliant personalities, LOL, has sort of helped this process along.  The fact that I was very independent at a very early age also helped me, because FA's aside, I had that model in my head - ie, what age is appropriate to ride subways alone, go out with friends unsupervised, etc.

THIS....  oh my, yes.   

GN is my model for me because she and I share that anxious and fairly (ahem) assertive personality type...

and Peg and Jana and Boo... all of them have been great models for me as I watch how they hand control over to their kids.

I'm also more and more convinced that some executive function only develops under load.

Like teaching a racing Homing Pigeon to do its thing-- you just CANNOT do that without letting the bird train under your supervision-- you have to have a a flight cage at some point.     The teen years are our flight cage. 

[PurpleCat]

Give the independence while she's still living at home and you can be her safety net if she stumbles.  No one is perfect, she will make mistakes and learn from them but if she does not have a chance to be on her own until she really is, those lessons will be harder without your back up.

My DD just turned 14.  In the last year, she has gone places without us.  She went to 6 Flags, the movies, the mall, out for pizza, different kids homes, and Washington DC (granted the school nurse went on that trip).  I see her doing more of that in High School (she starts in September).  I want both of us to have confidence she can take care of herself and most importantly, that she can call me with a question anytime, any place!

Am I scared?  You bet!  Do I show it?  NO!  For us what had happened is that DD without me asking, calls me!  Such a pleasant surprise.  She just checks in.  It's nice and I scrub my house a little less - lol!  If she is unsure of a choice, she calls me and we talk it through.  She goes off to do something safely and I check it off as another lesson learned.  I always breath a huge sigh of relief when she gets home.  I'll probably always be that way, but I want what she sees to be a mom, very proud of her and trusting her and her judgement.

Her friends all came to an AUVI Q party and they are all trained and they all have my phone numbers.  She is typically with at least one of that group of 15 regardless of where she goes.  That is a huge help too.

I am not kidding myself, next up for us will be the boys she will begin to hang out with................................................but we are off to a good start.  We've had many conversations already about trusting another teen with hormones to be truthful......kissing..............not being afraid to speak up............etc..

She knows she can call me, anytime, no questions asked if she needs to every come home.

[nonuteen]

Thanks everyone.  I knew you all would understand what I am going through more than those without a child with LTFA...

I really do feel she has a decent amount of independence.  She is just one of those that is ready to fly and always pushing for more:)

She spends the night with friends, goes to parties, travels with her sports team, she went to DC, she has a job, etc.  She has gone to the amusement park with friends (I admit this one really worries me).

So I'm not keeping her home without any freedom.  Where I seem to be having problems is with events over an hour away without any adult supervision.  I think I have worried about the day she leaves for college since her dx 16 years ago.   I know I need to trust her and let her know she is doing a good job but the amount of what if's make me crazy...

[nonuteen]

I have struggled mightily with balancing my own anxiety and need for control with their need for independence and autonomy.  The fact that neither of them are terribly compliant personalities, LOL, has sort of helped this process along.  The fact that I was very independent at a very early age also helped me, because FA's aside, I had that model in my head - ie, what age is appropriate to ride subways alone, go out with friends unsupervised, etc.

And yes...this exactly

[Macabre]

It is just so hard. So hard!

[GoingNuts]

It is just so hard. So hard!

Word.