Communication and/or negotiation skills

[LinksEtc]

Dealing with FA means often having to communicate (and/or negotiate) with many people (family, friends, schools, medical professionals, etc etc etc).  Sometimes it's easy and natural ... other times, it's harder.  We all have our own strengths & weaknesses  ...

ex - I can be good with info and writing, but I have to watch myself when talking (I think that I have an absent-minded professor quality - not helpful for a SAHM  ) .... and being introverted can also make face-to-face interactions hard for me.

I was thinking that it might be nice to have a general thread aimed at helping us improve our communication skills ... even for communication experts, there is always room for improvement.

So ... if you have any communication tips that you think might help FA families, please consider posting them here.

--------------------------------------



Saw this today ......


Tweeted by @HeartSisters

"The Myth of Winning"

http://www.6seconds.org/2014/08/19/the-myth-winning/

In our own heads and hearts, we make ourselves righteous, and we make them bad.

​Once we move into conflict, ​​everyone involved is tarnished.  Everyone involved become become bloodied and hurt​ – either literally, or at least emotionally.  Then our oppositional positions become increasingly entrenched.

​The solution is paradoxical, and it might feel like a kind of surrender — but it's not.  The solution is to stand next to your opponent, and, ultimately, to make that person your ally instead. 

[CMdeux]

Wow-- YES, and how timely, as people are heading back into a new school year.  GREAT idea, Links! 



The tips that I've learned (some of these are things that I've picked up professionally, and others as a mom and parent-advocate):

• Avoid escalation-- when you escalate, you are drawing battle lines, and creating emotional stakes for yourself (and usually for the other party as well)-- remember that most of the time, it isn't personal for the person you're communicating with.  Stick with "mirroring" messages in neutral language, and use more "I" statements than "you" ones.
  


• watch emotional appeals-- these almost always constitute escalation in an interpersonal sense.  While it might be tempting to pull out the "would you put a loaded gun in the hands of my child's classmates" this is REALLY unwise because it paints you into a corner and it is inherently manipulative and coercive-- transparently so.
  


• When you're upset, try to communicate IN WRITING, and never send your FIRST draft without showing it to someone else first to make sure that it's factual and productive (that is, solution oriented, and not conquest/domination oriented instead).
  
  


• when you are upset, AVOID using adjectives and adverbs in your language unless they are factually correct, or baldly descriptive and necessary.  "The third door" or "my child felt isolated and ashamed" are fine, but "the teacher dismissively ignored my child's complaint" is emotionally charged and probably unwise, since it provokes a defensive posture from that person.  Don't ACCUSE.  In general, that is not going to result in solutions.    If you have to "notify" then do that-- but make it clear that you're not looking for vengeance upon others, but SOLUTIONS for everyone.
  
  
  • if you cry easily-- try this helpful trick:  MENTAL MATH.  Do a random addition problem in your head.  I swear, this one actually works.
    
    

[LinksEtc]

Tweeted by @woodrumlaw

"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy." - Isaac Newton via @MennettLeeLLC #fablogcon pic.twitter.com/AqxNW7jtJF

[LinksEtc]

Tweeted by @6s_EQ

"Authentic Presence"
http://www.6seconds.org/2007/04/16/authentic-presence/

The real reason people said I didn't listen is that I wasn't fully present; I was someplace else. I was invested in listening to my thoughts and feelings, thinking of answers before I heard the questions, building a case to defend my actions, or solving another problem. I was so busy "being effective" that I was not open, curious, or attentive to the other person.

[LinksEtc]

Tweeted by @99u

"Why It's So Hard To Detect Emotion In Emails And Texts"
http://www.fastcodesign.com/3036748/evidence/why-its-so-hard-to-detect-emotion-in-emails-and-texts

Some companies have been known to include disclaimers saying that brief emails may give a "false impression of curtness or insensitivity"--though people misinterpret the disclaimers, too.

If nothing else, Byron writes, it's at least important to recognize that "we are fallible as both email senders and receivers." Noted.

[LinksEtc]

Tweeted by @WSJ

"You Can Recover From a Snippy Email, But Prepare to Grovel"
http://online.wsj.com/articles/you-can-recover-from-a-snippy-email-but-prepare-to-grovel-1413829668?mod=e2tw

Psychologists say it is natural to lash out when we feel threatened. It's our fight-or-flight response kicking in, where we respond to threats immediately, on an emotional level, by attacking or withdrawing.

Abraham Lincoln is said to have advised his secretary of war, who was furious with one of his generals, to write the man a sharp letter, then "put it in the stove."

[LinksEtc]

Tweeted by @HarvardNegoti8

"Iceland's Financial Crisis Offers a Case Study for Dealing with Pride in Negotiations"
(Adapted from "Negotiating When Pride is at Stake")

http://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/conflict-management/conflict-management-and-negotiating-when-pride-is-at-stake/

when making decisions, we often allow short-term concerns to dominate long-term concerns that are equally or even more important

when people refuse to negotiate as a matter of principle, impasse is likely

[LinksEtc]

Tweeted by @HarvardNegoti8

"Dispute Resolution: The Case of the Broken Speakers"
http://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/dispute-resolution/dispute-resolution-the-case-of-the-broken-speakers/

Rather than telling the seller directly that he had sold her a faulty product—an accusation that could have caused him to lose face in his community—the student "let him figure out the problem himself,"

Research suggests that conflicts negotiated indirectly are more likely to reach agreement than conflicts confronted directly, according to Brett.

[LinksEtc]

Tweeted by @HarvardNegoti8

"International Negotiations and Beyond Majority Rule"
http://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/international-negotiation-daily/international-negotiations-and-beyond-majority-rule/

Rather than allowing the majority to dictate terms to the minority, consensus building involves seeking overwhelming agreement among everyone at the table.

[CMdeux]

I think that there also has to (occasionally) be room for respectful DISSENT.

Our allergist, for example, did not believe in aerosol reactivity like that I was reporting in DD when she was little.

I knew that he didn't believe me.  But I also knew what I had to live with-- and what I could/CAN live with.  I couldn't in good conscience manage our day to day lifestyle around his beliefs about that, because my experience told me that this would be incredibly dangerous.  I couldn't live with the consequences of that compromise.  I knew that because I had tested the waters a bit when DD was tiny-- placing her in settings where I knew that she couldn't possibly have contact with peanuts, and watching her eyes tear, etc.  I couldn't quite believe it either, you see.

We eventually came to a place of agreement (kind of) but there were a lot of years of don't ask/don't tell about that one issue.  His respect for me and his open-mindedness allowed him to realize over time that I was NOT crazy or attention-seeking in the least-- I was just genuinely dealing with a horrible situation as best I could.  ME not forcing him to admit that he disagreed with me allowed us to still work together productively.

[LinksEtc]

I think that there also has to (occasionally) be room for respectful DISSENT.

Yes, I agree ... but when you are talking about allergist/patient, that can get complicated.  I guess I've taken my dissent online    ... there was no good way for me to explain to her in the beginning that I'm not just google-mom ... I'm much worse    .   

[LinksEtc]

"Become a great listener"
http://smartblogs.com/leadership/2014/11/07/become-a-great-listener/


-----------------------



Tweeted by @99u


"HOW ONE SIMPLE CHANGE CAN MAKE YOU A BETTER LISTENER"
http://www.fastcompany.com/3042330/how-to-be-a-success-at-everything/how-one-simple-change-can-make-you-a-better-listener

Often, there are issues that you don't care about at all that are extraordinarily important to someone else. Failing to recognize and appreciate that difference can undermine your colleagues' trust in you.

You have to listen carefully to what other people have said in order to be able to repeat it back. When you accurately state what other people have said, they feel like you have taken in what they had to say.

[LinksEtc]

Tweeted by @HarvardNegoti8

"Negotiation Skills: Confront Your Anxiety, Improve Your Results"
http://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/negotiation-skills-daily/negotiation-skills-confront-your-anxiety-improve-your-results/

A new research study confirms what many of us have suspected: anxiety about a negotiation is likely to work against you.

[LinksEtc]

"Non-Verbal Cues: The 2 Things Never To Be Left Unspoken"
http://www.forbes.com/sites/davidsturt/2015/04/20/non-verbal-cues-the-2-things-never-to-be-left-unspoken/#.VU1NyqFsfhs.twitter

A microexpression is basically a brief, involuntary facial expression

your mind is making either positive or negative connections that go far beyond the content of the interaction. You're telling yourself things like, 'this person cares about what I have to say,' or 'this person doesn't have time for me,' or 'this person appreciates me and what I do.' "

Thank you

Great work

----------------------------------


Tweeted by @JuriSense


"The Psychology of a Persuasive Settlement"
http://www.thejuryexpert.com/2015/02/the-psychology-of-a-persuasive-settlement/

Beyond overestimating our chances, we also tend to devalue our adversary's arguments and overvalue our own: We always think we make much more sense than the other side.

We don't just want the conflict to end, we want someone to step in and tell us who is right and who is wrong.

Nothing forces you to identify your weaknesses like the act of stepping into your adversary's shoes.

[LinksEtc]

Tweeted by @AllergyKidsDoc


"How to get a busy person to respond to your email"
https://medium.com/@mattangriffel/how-to-get-a-busy-person-to-respond-to-your-email-52e5d4d69671

In an effort to help people cut through the noise with their emails, and hopefully free up a little bit of my time, I wanted to share a few tips that I've found are helpful when writing to people who are inundated with email.